I have been wondering how I came to be in this place and so down and unsure of the future for some time now. I realize intellectually that I allowed this to happen--admitting this part was easy--but I'm not sure why or how to change it now. I feel better having made a solid decision (or at least somewhat solid) finally, but I am still struggling with the motivation and keeping my spirits high. I try to hold onto the anger and the rage for just a little bit because it seems to give me strength and determination, but I find that I am not the type of person for which anger and rage can really last. I find myself forgiving and loving, which isn't necessarily a bad trait to have, but it sure does make one perfect prey for monsters who will take advantage of that nature. I find that I don't really want to be mistrustful, selfish, and just plain mean and I am struggling to find a balance between this and being a doormat and easy to abuse. Ugghh. I need a life coach I think, but I need to actually follow through with their suggestions instead of immediately falling back into the same patterns that brought me to this place. Okay, more later.