Christmas
It has taken me a few days to process the debacle that was Christmas this year. I wasn't sure I could even write about it, or that I wanted to, but I know that if I don't it will just become another vague memory in my brain and the pain and frustration will have all been for nothing. (In other words, I won't learn a damn thing from the experience once again!)
Holidays are always tense and seldom time for us to be together peacefully as a family. For many years I have experienced this, although up until a few years ago I didn't put together the fact that ANY time he is not the focal point of life, or whenever he is expected to act as if he is not the center of the universe, it leads to problems. So, I didn't really expect this year to be different, but I could not have anticipated that it would actually spill over into so many arenas this year. So, I'll begin at the beginning and try to articulate the best I can.
It started with the fact that I, once again, was left to ensure that our children (and him of course) had a decent Christmas. I'm used to this, but typically he does at least offer to pay a portion of the gifts that "we" get for the girls (my son is, of course, my responsibility). He also asks what is still left to get on their lists and will make a token effort to pick that up. This year that didn't happen. Although he makes literally 3 times the amount of money I do, anything to do with the children is, and has always been, my responsibility. This carries over into the gifts for nieces and nephews and our parents as well. He just cannot be bothered with trivial things like showing love and appreciation for others in life, or at least that is how it looks to me. He also continued to make derogatory comments about the gifts that we gave him last year. How they were junk, they didn't hold up, nobody asked him what he really wanted anyway, and on and on and on. I found myself anxiously trying to find gifts that he couldn't possibly find fault with this year (and I'm still kicking myself for jumping like a dog over that), and he still hasn't even opened the damn gifts three days later!! (But I digress, back to the story)
A couple weeks before Christmas he asked me what I still needed to buy for the girls. I told him that the only thing they didn't have that was on their list were these boots they wanted. The boots were on sale for $64 a pair, but I was tapped out because I had already spent way more than I should have for the holidays this year. He offered to buy the boots they wanted. I waited for the money, but it was of course not forthcoming. As a side note (and it is relevant to this conversation) I am having issues with my car: the tags expired in November and I had not had the money to renew them; I have a brake light out and my tag lights are out--resulting in two traffic stops in less than a week; my brakes are so bad that the car shakes terribly when I stop; and there is something wrong with the steering--it makes a horrible clicking and grinding noise when I turn the wheel either way and it jerks when driving down the road. Part of the reason I didn't come up with the money to pay the tag renewal was because he had told me in October that the car was unsafe for me to drive, would cost too much to repair, and he had another vehicle for me to drive that I was to insure and tag. (He owns a body repair shop as a sideline business, constantly has other vehicles he buys and fixes, and he personally has about six other cars--that I know of!) Anyway, back to my story.....
On the Friday before Christmas, he asks me if I've bought the girls' boots yet. I tell him that I haven't bought them because he had said he was going to get those. He then tells me that since I know which boots they want, I should just go get them, bring him the receipt and he will reimburse me. I'm a little confused because this is totally off script--ordinarily he gives me the money to get whatever and I just bring him the receipt. I do not have an extra $140 to buy the boots, on the OFF chance that he will actually come through, so I tell him I will just ride with him to the store--he's off work, why can't we just go together and get them? He sneers at me and tells me he is too busy for that shit, I need to just go get them and he will reimburse me. I tell him the cost and basically imply that I just want him to go ahead and give me the money if that's what he wants to do. He starts yelling at me that he is not going to just blindly hand over money again as I am always lying to him to get more money out of him. I am blown away by this because REALLY! this idiot has never even paid for his responsibilities, let alone blindly handing me money to rip him off. But, whatever...it isn't worth arguing over, and really...the girls got new phones and clothes for Christmas, so with or without the boots they are going to be ecstatic. I then tell him that I need to drive one of the four other cars in our driveway the next day to finish my shopping because I am tired of getting pulled over and my car is running worse every day. I don't remind him of his promise of another car because again, it just isn't worth pointing out to him how he didn't come through again. That only leads to very bad things in our house. He then proceeds to tell me that I am not touching any of his vehicles, I tear cars up too badly, my tire is going to fall off because of my bad luck with cars so why would he let me touch one of his vehicles, and I just need to bite the bullet and stop being stupid and pay my tag renewal. I am reeling because he acts as if this whole thing was my idea!! I was going to renew my tags in October but got reamed because that was just stupid of me with all the problems with the car, why on Earth would I be stupid enough to waste that money!!! But whatever, I'm used to this right?! The worst part was, before we started discussing the girls boots, we had actually been somewhat getting along.....laughing and talking in an almost normal manner. Anyway, I am sitting there trying to figure out whether to laugh or cry when he starts smirking and says on that note he is leaving since I obviously need some time alone to pout.
Well, as soon as he left, I went ahead and went online to renew my tags. I then made plans to go to the Farmer's Market the next day with the girls and my sister and forgot about the incident with him. An entire weekend goes by where we do not speak. He doesn't know if I've paid my renewal, he only continues to call me and hang up on me for not telling him what I'm doing every freaking second of the day...literally. Anyway, I am determined not to let him get to me. It is the holidays and I'm determined to have one happy one. He did come home every night, but we literally did not speak. Wait...I forgot one "conversation" we did have on Sunday night. He gets in bed and is pretending to sleep at about 8:15. I was exhausted from a whirlwind weekend of shopping, baking, and wrapping so I actually went to bed earlier than usual and was in bed by about 8:30. About 15 minutes after I get in bed, he rolls over and says "What's the holdup?! You know I have to get up and go to work in the morning, I don't have time to play these damn games with you!" I know that he is referring to me performing oral sex so we can have sex, but really I am just so tired of the damn games that I pretend ignorance and say "Excuse me?" To which he replies "You heard me" and I say "I heard you, but I don't understand what you mean." He then says, "Okay, I see how it's going to be! Don't worry...it's all good; it's all good" and rolls back over shaking his head at me. We then both go to sleep, although the threat has been put out there and he makes sure I know that he is pissed off.
Anyway, on Monday he calls me at work to ask me if I've gotten the girls their boots. I then tell him that he can just give them money if he wants to do something extra as I have not gotten to the store yet. He blows up and says something about me not wanting to do anything for him and hangs up. Of course, I go get the boots on Monday after work. I then try to give him the bag and receipt on Monday night when he finally gets home. He starts yelling at me about why would I leave them there. I stick them in the closet. The next morning, Christmas Eve, I know that I need that money to finish my stocking stuffers and such so I get up when he does and get the receipt out of the bag and ask him when he will have the money. He starts screaming at me and empties his wallet on the bed (which had more than $2000 in hundred dollar bills in it. He then throws $120 at me (to which I snarkily reply that he is short, but he doesn't give me any more), and starts yelling about how sick he is of me always being broke and that he always has to carry me. I finally have more than I can take and point to the presents under the tree and say that the reason I am broke is because I have bought every single gift under the tree. He then goes on about how it isn't just now, I've been broke for years, to which I reply "Yeah, well let's see what the common denominator is in that" which immediately enraged him, but he was late for work so he left.
Christmas morning I wake up and he is gone. I call him and he tells me he has gone to the 7-11 for coffee, just let the kids open their gifts. They do, he gets home and goes right into the bedroom. I cook breakfast and we carry his gifts back to the bedroom to sit beside the bed. He STILL hasn't opened them; it is his right to do him the way he wants and he doesn't feel like being on other people's time table. He will open them when he feels like it. He gives me $300 and my son $100 for our gifts, eats his breakfast, and leaves to go to his shop. I call him and tell him I am going to my mom's house and that we are expected at his mom's house around 3 PM. He says that he isn't even sure he is going this year. End of conversation. My kids and I go enjoy the day with my family. At 3 I call his mom because I am still waiting on my brother to show up to my mom's house, to let her know it will be closer to 4 when I get there.
We get to her house at 4:30 and he is there talking to his mother. Immediately he starts in on me being late and the fact that I didn't call him to let him know I was going to be late (he didn't call me either). His poor mother just got up from the table and went into the other room. He continues to yell at me, to which I won't "bite", so he storms out of the house (I thought to smoke a cigarette). His older daughter gets to the house about 20 minutes later and asks where the Grinch is; I tell her outside smoking and she replies that he isn't out there. Apparently he had left. I call him to see where he is and to let him know that Ashley is there, and all he can do is continue to go on about how I didn't call him, she didn't call him we both called his mother but nobody thought to pick up the phone and call him......on and on and on.
He never came back and would not return his daughter's phone calls or texts when she tried to reach out to him. He still has not opened his gifts. He is still not speaking to me. I am sick to death of this crap. Why is it always about him. And to see the hurt in her eyes, and to know that my kids go through this every day and will continue to go through this it too much. Oh, yeah, and apparently he told my son on Christmas morning that he bought himself a new Mustang (not new, but new to him) and just spent $8000 on a new racing engine for it, which only adds to my disgust with this whole situation!!
Holidays are always tense and seldom time for us to be together peacefully as a family. For many years I have experienced this, although up until a few years ago I didn't put together the fact that ANY time he is not the focal point of life, or whenever he is expected to act as if he is not the center of the universe, it leads to problems. So, I didn't really expect this year to be different, but I could not have anticipated that it would actually spill over into so many arenas this year. So, I'll begin at the beginning and try to articulate the best I can.
It started with the fact that I, once again, was left to ensure that our children (and him of course) had a decent Christmas. I'm used to this, but typically he does at least offer to pay a portion of the gifts that "we" get for the girls (my son is, of course, my responsibility). He also asks what is still left to get on their lists and will make a token effort to pick that up. This year that didn't happen. Although he makes literally 3 times the amount of money I do, anything to do with the children is, and has always been, my responsibility. This carries over into the gifts for nieces and nephews and our parents as well. He just cannot be bothered with trivial things like showing love and appreciation for others in life, or at least that is how it looks to me. He also continued to make derogatory comments about the gifts that we gave him last year. How they were junk, they didn't hold up, nobody asked him what he really wanted anyway, and on and on and on. I found myself anxiously trying to find gifts that he couldn't possibly find fault with this year (and I'm still kicking myself for jumping like a dog over that), and he still hasn't even opened the damn gifts three days later!! (But I digress, back to the story)
A couple weeks before Christmas he asked me what I still needed to buy for the girls. I told him that the only thing they didn't have that was on their list were these boots they wanted. The boots were on sale for $64 a pair, but I was tapped out because I had already spent way more than I should have for the holidays this year. He offered to buy the boots they wanted. I waited for the money, but it was of course not forthcoming. As a side note (and it is relevant to this conversation) I am having issues with my car: the tags expired in November and I had not had the money to renew them; I have a brake light out and my tag lights are out--resulting in two traffic stops in less than a week; my brakes are so bad that the car shakes terribly when I stop; and there is something wrong with the steering--it makes a horrible clicking and grinding noise when I turn the wheel either way and it jerks when driving down the road. Part of the reason I didn't come up with the money to pay the tag renewal was because he had told me in October that the car was unsafe for me to drive, would cost too much to repair, and he had another vehicle for me to drive that I was to insure and tag. (He owns a body repair shop as a sideline business, constantly has other vehicles he buys and fixes, and he personally has about six other cars--that I know of!) Anyway, back to my story.....
On the Friday before Christmas, he asks me if I've bought the girls' boots yet. I tell him that I haven't bought them because he had said he was going to get those. He then tells me that since I know which boots they want, I should just go get them, bring him the receipt and he will reimburse me. I'm a little confused because this is totally off script--ordinarily he gives me the money to get whatever and I just bring him the receipt. I do not have an extra $140 to buy the boots, on the OFF chance that he will actually come through, so I tell him I will just ride with him to the store--he's off work, why can't we just go together and get them? He sneers at me and tells me he is too busy for that shit, I need to just go get them and he will reimburse me. I tell him the cost and basically imply that I just want him to go ahead and give me the money if that's what he wants to do. He starts yelling at me that he is not going to just blindly hand over money again as I am always lying to him to get more money out of him. I am blown away by this because REALLY! this idiot has never even paid for his responsibilities, let alone blindly handing me money to rip him off. But, whatever...it isn't worth arguing over, and really...the girls got new phones and clothes for Christmas, so with or without the boots they are going to be ecstatic. I then tell him that I need to drive one of the four other cars in our driveway the next day to finish my shopping because I am tired of getting pulled over and my car is running worse every day. I don't remind him of his promise of another car because again, it just isn't worth pointing out to him how he didn't come through again. That only leads to very bad things in our house. He then proceeds to tell me that I am not touching any of his vehicles, I tear cars up too badly, my tire is going to fall off because of my bad luck with cars so why would he let me touch one of his vehicles, and I just need to bite the bullet and stop being stupid and pay my tag renewal. I am reeling because he acts as if this whole thing was my idea!! I was going to renew my tags in October but got reamed because that was just stupid of me with all the problems with the car, why on Earth would I be stupid enough to waste that money!!! But whatever, I'm used to this right?! The worst part was, before we started discussing the girls boots, we had actually been somewhat getting along.....laughing and talking in an almost normal manner. Anyway, I am sitting there trying to figure out whether to laugh or cry when he starts smirking and says on that note he is leaving since I obviously need some time alone to pout.
Well, as soon as he left, I went ahead and went online to renew my tags. I then made plans to go to the Farmer's Market the next day with the girls and my sister and forgot about the incident with him. An entire weekend goes by where we do not speak. He doesn't know if I've paid my renewal, he only continues to call me and hang up on me for not telling him what I'm doing every freaking second of the day...literally. Anyway, I am determined not to let him get to me. It is the holidays and I'm determined to have one happy one. He did come home every night, but we literally did not speak. Wait...I forgot one "conversation" we did have on Sunday night. He gets in bed and is pretending to sleep at about 8:15. I was exhausted from a whirlwind weekend of shopping, baking, and wrapping so I actually went to bed earlier than usual and was in bed by about 8:30. About 15 minutes after I get in bed, he rolls over and says "What's the holdup?! You know I have to get up and go to work in the morning, I don't have time to play these damn games with you!" I know that he is referring to me performing oral sex so we can have sex, but really I am just so tired of the damn games that I pretend ignorance and say "Excuse me?" To which he replies "You heard me" and I say "I heard you, but I don't understand what you mean." He then says, "Okay, I see how it's going to be! Don't worry...it's all good; it's all good" and rolls back over shaking his head at me. We then both go to sleep, although the threat has been put out there and he makes sure I know that he is pissed off.
Anyway, on Monday he calls me at work to ask me if I've gotten the girls their boots. I then tell him that he can just give them money if he wants to do something extra as I have not gotten to the store yet. He blows up and says something about me not wanting to do anything for him and hangs up. Of course, I go get the boots on Monday after work. I then try to give him the bag and receipt on Monday night when he finally gets home. He starts yelling at me about why would I leave them there. I stick them in the closet. The next morning, Christmas Eve, I know that I need that money to finish my stocking stuffers and such so I get up when he does and get the receipt out of the bag and ask him when he will have the money. He starts screaming at me and empties his wallet on the bed (which had more than $2000 in hundred dollar bills in it. He then throws $120 at me (to which I snarkily reply that he is short, but he doesn't give me any more), and starts yelling about how sick he is of me always being broke and that he always has to carry me. I finally have more than I can take and point to the presents under the tree and say that the reason I am broke is because I have bought every single gift under the tree. He then goes on about how it isn't just now, I've been broke for years, to which I reply "Yeah, well let's see what the common denominator is in that" which immediately enraged him, but he was late for work so he left.
Christmas morning I wake up and he is gone. I call him and he tells me he has gone to the 7-11 for coffee, just let the kids open their gifts. They do, he gets home and goes right into the bedroom. I cook breakfast and we carry his gifts back to the bedroom to sit beside the bed. He STILL hasn't opened them; it is his right to do him the way he wants and he doesn't feel like being on other people's time table. He will open them when he feels like it. He gives me $300 and my son $100 for our gifts, eats his breakfast, and leaves to go to his shop. I call him and tell him I am going to my mom's house and that we are expected at his mom's house around 3 PM. He says that he isn't even sure he is going this year. End of conversation. My kids and I go enjoy the day with my family. At 3 I call his mom because I am still waiting on my brother to show up to my mom's house, to let her know it will be closer to 4 when I get there.
We get to her house at 4:30 and he is there talking to his mother. Immediately he starts in on me being late and the fact that I didn't call him to let him know I was going to be late (he didn't call me either). His poor mother just got up from the table and went into the other room. He continues to yell at me, to which I won't "bite", so he storms out of the house (I thought to smoke a cigarette). His older daughter gets to the house about 20 minutes later and asks where the Grinch is; I tell her outside smoking and she replies that he isn't out there. Apparently he had left. I call him to see where he is and to let him know that Ashley is there, and all he can do is continue to go on about how I didn't call him, she didn't call him we both called his mother but nobody thought to pick up the phone and call him......on and on and on.
He never came back and would not return his daughter's phone calls or texts when she tried to reach out to him. He still has not opened his gifts. He is still not speaking to me. I am sick to death of this crap. Why is it always about him. And to see the hurt in her eyes, and to know that my kids go through this every day and will continue to go through this it too much. Oh, yeah, and apparently he told my son on Christmas morning that he bought himself a new Mustang (not new, but new to him) and just spent $8000 on a new racing engine for it, which only adds to my disgust with this whole situation!!
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