Tired
In my brightest moments I feel strong. Strong enough to really succeed at whatever I decide I want to do; strong enough to be the mother, the daughter, the sister and aunt, friend, the PERSON I know I can be and always imagined I would be. Then something happens to knock me down a peg and I feel so hopelessly tired and pitiful. This is one of those moments for me.
Money is tight--it is the holidays, I was so far behind on everything because of the garnishment (that thankfully just ended after over a year), and it seems not a day goes by that one of the kids doesn't need something--new pants, new shoes, a backboard or money for school, a ride somewhere. The truth is I simply don't make enough to pay what needs to be paid--forget the "extras". I'm just tired.
I am so exhausted from dealing with Timmy for so damn long. I used to like amusement parks--especially the funhouse and roller coasters. They make me sick now and I realize it is because I've been on a continuous ride for the past 18 years. I just want to get off now, but I just can't seem to find the exit. Oh some days I see a tantalizing glimpse of it in the distance and I think "Oh I can make it there; just a few more steps, one more turn, and I'll be out and off this ride forever". Then it shrinks and grows further and further away. I realize that my legs won't carry me there, or I am too confused trying to find it again that I just sink to my knees and resign myself to more of the same. More of the confusing twists and turns; the terrifying bumps and shrieks; the mirage of happiness and peace that ends up in a shattered mirror and even more confusion and fear. I don't know how to move forward when the hits just keep coming.
I've realized that I have a tendency to shrink away from confrontation or ugliness. I usually just close myself off or I run and hide. Literally. I have left so many times; felt that first rush of euphoria and hope; that intoxicating mix of excitement--only to let the shadows take over again. I think I realized that the crushing lows that come after that height--that little bit of freedom.
Money is tight--it is the holidays, I was so far behind on everything because of the garnishment (that thankfully just ended after over a year), and it seems not a day goes by that one of the kids doesn't need something--new pants, new shoes, a backboard or money for school, a ride somewhere. The truth is I simply don't make enough to pay what needs to be paid--forget the "extras". I'm just tired.
I am so exhausted from dealing with Timmy for so damn long. I used to like amusement parks--especially the funhouse and roller coasters. They make me sick now and I realize it is because I've been on a continuous ride for the past 18 years. I just want to get off now, but I just can't seem to find the exit. Oh some days I see a tantalizing glimpse of it in the distance and I think "Oh I can make it there; just a few more steps, one more turn, and I'll be out and off this ride forever". Then it shrinks and grows further and further away. I realize that my legs won't carry me there, or I am too confused trying to find it again that I just sink to my knees and resign myself to more of the same. More of the confusing twists and turns; the terrifying bumps and shrieks; the mirage of happiness and peace that ends up in a shattered mirror and even more confusion and fear. I don't know how to move forward when the hits just keep coming.
I've realized that I have a tendency to shrink away from confrontation or ugliness. I usually just close myself off or I run and hide. Literally. I have left so many times; felt that first rush of euphoria and hope; that intoxicating mix of excitement--only to let the shadows take over again. I think I realized that the crushing lows that come after that height--that little bit of freedom.
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