I'm tired. I've been here before, but each time it feels like I am being sucked deeper and deeper than the last--like maybe I won't be able to drag myself out this time. I know I can. I love my children more than the very air that I breathe, and I have a natural aversion to all things melancholy and blah. So, that positive me bursts through eventually. Right now though I am just giving myself permission to be tired; to be sad for all that I and my babies have missed out on; to be downright pissed off about the bad treatment over the years (let's call it what it is--abuse); and downright furious at myself for allowing this treatment of me and my kids. To be frustrated that this is a pattern in my life--not only in my intimate relationships, but in work relationships and others as well. To be confused and scared and all those other "bad" feelings that I usually ignore and stuff deep down inside. I have come to the realization that I will never heal and be whole without allowing those feelings to swim to the top, to figure out the whys and hows of them, and to try to find a balance within myself.