I've been reading through some of the posts on the forum and kicking myself for staying off for so long. I needed these reminders about the futility of trying to have a relationship with a narcissistic abuser, and about how bad things really are. Sometimes it is so much easier to see the flaws in someone else's relationship than in my own, but being able to see theirs makes me better able to see mine (or something like that!) Now....what to do. I have some financial issues that need to be addressed, and I don't want to take my kids out of their comfort zones yet again and move (that's all supposing I even had the money to make a move right now), but something has to give. I have been working on learning to set boundaries and be more assertive; to find my own way in life without looking to someone else for approval and acceptance. I feel stronger as a person and better able to function, but I also know that I am not healthy or whole yet. I just don't know if it is possible to become healthy and whole while in this relationship; it is a catch-22. If I leave before I am strong enough to stay gone we just continue this cycle of me leaving, him changing while I am gone, and then things getting worse and me being stuck again. If I don't leave while I am healing, how will I ever heal?! UGGHHH....why oh why did I not stay in Florida 13 years ago the first time I left him?! Why didn't I stay on the Eastern Shore 3 years ago the last time I left him?! Lord, help me to be strong for my kids and for my own sanity!!!!