Today
I have 20 minutes before I have to leave for work. 20 minutes to try to make some sense of this jumbled mess inside me right now. Last night, I beat myself up for overreacting to T's attempts to make me react to him; from the moment he walked in the door, it was something else that he wanted to complain and try to pick an argument about--from the trash downstairs, to the fact that he wouldn't be ready to eat because he was leaving again (here we go with that "fix me something to eat whatever time I decide to come home" argument), to the fact that I didn't wash his dress shirt yesterday, although I washed his work clothes (how was I supposed to know that A had surgery today and he was planning on taking off work to be there--NOW you are going to be a father to her, the girl is nearly 20 and has been reaching out to you since she turned 16, but NOW you are going to go be supportive to look like the good dad who got the raw deal...ugghh..), to my stupid ideas about which stores are cheaper than others, to my "new capris" which couldn't possibly have come from the girls, to finally..my weight. This final jab is what made me finally lose control and run from the room in tears. Of course, I called him later after he left slamming doors to explain to him why I reacted the way he did, and was informed that he doesn't give a damn about my feelings, I should just go cry about that.
Anyway, it is almost comforting to hear him say that aloud, although that sounds kind of pathetic. It is comforting because it takes away the confusion about why he acts the way he does, and takes away some of my guilt about planning (in secret of course) to leave him in the near future (again, but this time for good). It makes me feel better about my decisions, and actually I notice that I am a bit stronger than I was--in the past, I would have gotten defensive and begun to make excuses for my "behavior" before we ever even got to the weight issue. To be honest, I did find myself trying to justify why I didn't wash his dress shirt prior to that, but I caught myself and walked away. That, in itself, is growth for me. It is also quite amusing to me to watch how much this "new me", the one who refuses to make excuses for perfectly fine actions, is driving him crazy and making him step up his game. He is getting so much nastier, which is making my work easier--albeit EXHAUSTING!!!!!
I am still hurting though, and not sure why he is still insisting on keeping his life separate from mine. He has plenty of reasons, but they are all just bs excuses. I can see through them, and I hope everyone else can as well. A had wanted her sisters to be at the hospital, but he refused. I'm sure I'm going to be the bad person who refused to allow the girls to be there with her family. I would also have liked to be there. I honestly adore his daughter. She is a really great, funny, compassionate, and mature young woman. Unfortunately, I haven't been able to be around her as much as I'd like due to his issues, but the times I have seen her and the conversations I have had with her (that he knows nothing about) I genuinely like her! She is a great person, in spite of his genes.
Anyway, gotta go to work now.
Anyway, it is almost comforting to hear him say that aloud, although that sounds kind of pathetic. It is comforting because it takes away the confusion about why he acts the way he does, and takes away some of my guilt about planning (in secret of course) to leave him in the near future (again, but this time for good). It makes me feel better about my decisions, and actually I notice that I am a bit stronger than I was--in the past, I would have gotten defensive and begun to make excuses for my "behavior" before we ever even got to the weight issue. To be honest, I did find myself trying to justify why I didn't wash his dress shirt prior to that, but I caught myself and walked away. That, in itself, is growth for me. It is also quite amusing to me to watch how much this "new me", the one who refuses to make excuses for perfectly fine actions, is driving him crazy and making him step up his game. He is getting so much nastier, which is making my work easier--albeit EXHAUSTING!!!!!
I am still hurting though, and not sure why he is still insisting on keeping his life separate from mine. He has plenty of reasons, but they are all just bs excuses. I can see through them, and I hope everyone else can as well. A had wanted her sisters to be at the hospital, but he refused. I'm sure I'm going to be the bad person who refused to allow the girls to be there with her family. I would also have liked to be there. I honestly adore his daughter. She is a really great, funny, compassionate, and mature young woman. Unfortunately, I haven't been able to be around her as much as I'd like due to his issues, but the times I have seen her and the conversations I have had with her (that he knows nothing about) I genuinely like her! She is a great person, in spite of his genes.
Anyway, gotta go to work now.
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