Who am I?
I've been talking about doing all this work on me, on healing and strengthening myself, on focusing on me and my kids. But...I haven't really clarified to myself what that means exactly. Who am I, what do I need, what are my goals, what are my dreams, who do I align myself as? Until I get clear about these basics, I will never know what is acceptable to me, I will never be able to stand strong in my resolve, and I will never be the kind of person and parent I strive to be. So here goes, an early attempt to remember and realize these things about myself--stuff people probably figure out in their 20s, but hey 38 is better than never right?!
I love my family. To me family is the essence of who we each are--I need to feel that sense of belonging, of completion. My children are obviously my first concern, but my siblings and parents, cousins, nieces and nephews, and my close friends are all important to me also. I would do anything within my power to make them happy, to give them what they need, and I enjoy spending time with them. Ideally, I would spend weekends with my family, my husband also--barbecues, days at the beach, pick up football games, sleepovers, camping, laughing together and supporting each other when we need to cry or vent. That love and companionship cannot be understated in my book; it can carry us through even the toughest times. I miss those easy times together. I have tried to show my kids those kinds of experiences but it has been an uphill battle--a fight the entire way. In my ideal self, I would take every opportunity to be with the ones I love and enjoy the time we do get to spend together.
I like people in general. My ultimate goal for the longest time has been to help other families in crisis. I may not be an expert at life, at relationships, at financial matters, or education or any of the other factors that go into having a positive family life; and I may not have the most money in the world, but I would like to help other people. I want to build a family crisis center which will help families to heal and to become strong and self sufficient. I can start by volunteering at the local shelter and food pantries.
I love to read and to write. I always wanted to write books, and I used to be extremely creative. These days it takes a lot to come up with anything creative, but I would like to find that inner talent again. Maybe I would be published, maybe not, but I would like to get back to creating those stories that made my kids and my brothers and sisters laugh and cringe with fear and excitement when they were younger, and find the stories that will touch other lives as well.
I would like to learn to bake and decorate cakes.
I like to travel. Mostly I LOVE the beach; the peace and solitude even with hundreds of others on the beach that you feel. I love the smell, the feel of the sand, sun, and surf splashing on you when you're hot. I love the sounds, the everything. When I am on the beach with the sun beating down on my bare skin I actually feel like I am at peace for the first time in a long time.
I like to listen to music. All kinds of music. I like to dance in a silly way with my kids, to sing along loudly off key. I like to see the smiles and hear the laughter. Music has been the backdrop of my life; and instantaneously a particular song can transport me back and I love that.
I like to walk; I love to run (something I haven't done in a long time); I like yoga and many other physical activities. I've been putting it off for so long with excuse after excuse; no time, no energy, etc but I would like to focus more on that aspect.
I'm positive, I'm excitable and bubbly, I love to laugh and to joke around. I love life and am enthusiastic about every adventure. I try to stay that way, but some days are harder than others. I would like to find that person again.
I care deeply. I internalize a lot of others' pain--which is not ordinarily a bad thing, but it tends to make one easy prey for the energy and joy vampires. I try not to be numb all the time; but I find it more and more difficult to feel empathy for others at times and I hate that about me.
And what would be an ideal relationship
Mutual respect. Honesty. Caring. Affection. Partnership. Family values. Myself and the children are a priority. Ability to honestly express the way I feel. No threats of violence, no threats period, no calling names, no demeaning comments, no hurting each other with past experiences that are painful. no silent treatment, no withholding, no punishing for expressing self. Supportive. Enhancing, not diminishing. Kindness, laughter, time together. Supporting each other when bad or sad things happen.
I deserve to be treated with kindness, love, affection, caring, respect--and SO DO OUR CHILDREN. We are the guideposts they are using to know how to navigate the world; they deserve to feel safe and secure and at peace. The world is difficult enough without the added stress of having to deal with negativity, volatility, and neglect at home. I am a good person. I am strong, resilient, intelligent, and caring. I give my all to everybody I love and I deserve to be treated like a good person. I don't deserve to be belittled, demeaned, and talked down to, threatened, and used like a personal slave. My kids deserve two parents who are positive role models. Not these caricatures of parents that they have been dealing with; one who neglects and speaks down to them and their mother, the other who is so stressed out from having to put out fires constantly that she can barely function normally.
I love my family. To me family is the essence of who we each are--I need to feel that sense of belonging, of completion. My children are obviously my first concern, but my siblings and parents, cousins, nieces and nephews, and my close friends are all important to me also. I would do anything within my power to make them happy, to give them what they need, and I enjoy spending time with them. Ideally, I would spend weekends with my family, my husband also--barbecues, days at the beach, pick up football games, sleepovers, camping, laughing together and supporting each other when we need to cry or vent. That love and companionship cannot be understated in my book; it can carry us through even the toughest times. I miss those easy times together. I have tried to show my kids those kinds of experiences but it has been an uphill battle--a fight the entire way. In my ideal self, I would take every opportunity to be with the ones I love and enjoy the time we do get to spend together.
I like people in general. My ultimate goal for the longest time has been to help other families in crisis. I may not be an expert at life, at relationships, at financial matters, or education or any of the other factors that go into having a positive family life; and I may not have the most money in the world, but I would like to help other people. I want to build a family crisis center which will help families to heal and to become strong and self sufficient. I can start by volunteering at the local shelter and food pantries.
I love to read and to write. I always wanted to write books, and I used to be extremely creative. These days it takes a lot to come up with anything creative, but I would like to find that inner talent again. Maybe I would be published, maybe not, but I would like to get back to creating those stories that made my kids and my brothers and sisters laugh and cringe with fear and excitement when they were younger, and find the stories that will touch other lives as well.
I would like to learn to bake and decorate cakes.
I like to travel. Mostly I LOVE the beach; the peace and solitude even with hundreds of others on the beach that you feel. I love the smell, the feel of the sand, sun, and surf splashing on you when you're hot. I love the sounds, the everything. When I am on the beach with the sun beating down on my bare skin I actually feel like I am at peace for the first time in a long time.
I like to listen to music. All kinds of music. I like to dance in a silly way with my kids, to sing along loudly off key. I like to see the smiles and hear the laughter. Music has been the backdrop of my life; and instantaneously a particular song can transport me back and I love that.
I like to walk; I love to run (something I haven't done in a long time); I like yoga and many other physical activities. I've been putting it off for so long with excuse after excuse; no time, no energy, etc but I would like to focus more on that aspect.
I'm positive, I'm excitable and bubbly, I love to laugh and to joke around. I love life and am enthusiastic about every adventure. I try to stay that way, but some days are harder than others. I would like to find that person again.
I care deeply. I internalize a lot of others' pain--which is not ordinarily a bad thing, but it tends to make one easy prey for the energy and joy vampires. I try not to be numb all the time; but I find it more and more difficult to feel empathy for others at times and I hate that about me.
And what would be an ideal relationship
Mutual respect. Honesty. Caring. Affection. Partnership. Family values. Myself and the children are a priority. Ability to honestly express the way I feel. No threats of violence, no threats period, no calling names, no demeaning comments, no hurting each other with past experiences that are painful. no silent treatment, no withholding, no punishing for expressing self. Supportive. Enhancing, not diminishing. Kindness, laughter, time together. Supporting each other when bad or sad things happen.
I deserve to be treated with kindness, love, affection, caring, respect--and SO DO OUR CHILDREN. We are the guideposts they are using to know how to navigate the world; they deserve to feel safe and secure and at peace. The world is difficult enough without the added stress of having to deal with negativity, volatility, and neglect at home. I am a good person. I am strong, resilient, intelligent, and caring. I give my all to everybody I love and I deserve to be treated like a good person. I don't deserve to be belittled, demeaned, and talked down to, threatened, and used like a personal slave. My kids deserve two parents who are positive role models. Not these caricatures of parents that they have been dealing with; one who neglects and speaks down to them and their mother, the other who is so stressed out from having to put out fires constantly that she can barely function normally.
Replies