Rage
I'm working my way through my issues right now--for about a month. Trying to take responsibility for my own role in this relationship; no I'm done playing the blame and minimize game, I realize I am not responsible for his cruelty and neglect, but I also realize that I have more power than I thought I did. I am the one who allows him to treat me and our children like he does. I cannot change him, in fact I've given up even wanting to, I can only change my own reactions and internalizations of his behavior.
Predictably, it has been a rough month. Two weeks ago, our youngest daughter had a concert at school. He typically does not attend any school functions, but in this case he couldn't even help me get her to the concert. I had to work in a different location and switch my work schedule around just to be able to get her there on time. He spent the evening helping his cousin work on his car. I got up that morning at 5:30 to get the girls fed and off to school. I then worked on my own school assignments because I was well aware I would not have the opportunity that evening because of the concert. I got dressed and headed off to work at 7:30. At 4 I had to leave work to pick up our older daughter from cheerleading conditioning practices, rushed home and tried to get a small snack into the girls so we could head to the other high school for the concert. Left the concert at 9:30, stopped at 7-11 just to get them something substantial for dinner. At 10:30 he called me with an attitude because I hadn't called him to let him know I was home okay. He was still at the shop working on his cousin's car. He asked what I had fixed for dinner. I informed him that I didn't fix dinner, I had just stopped to pick something up because I was tired and worn out after the long day. He told me I better f***in fix him something for dinner and hung up on me. At this point, I would ordinarily have just done it to save the evening, but as I said I have been working on my choices that lead to me feeling bad. He calls again at 11:15 to tell me he will be leaving the shop in about 15-20 minutes and again asks me what I am fixing him for dinner. As calmly as possible I explain to him that I won't be fixing dinner and could he please stop at one of the myriad places he passes on the way home to get something as I have had a long day and have to get up and do it all over again at 5:30 in the morning. He hangs up again. At 11:46 he walks in the door, predictably with no food. He makes as much noise as possible getting showered and into bed; bouncing as hard as he can on the bed in the process. I lie there and do not react.
After about 10 minutes of this little act and getting no reaction, he sits up, gets in my face, and starts screaming about where the f is his food. I tell him again, calmly, that I didn't fix anything and why didn't he stop to get something. He, after all, passed three 7-11, a WaWa, a McDonalds, Wendys, and Taco Bell on his way home. He then starts screaming about how pathetic I am as a wife; most husbands are able to get a meal; he actually went to the grocery store (for only about the fourth time in our entire nearly 18 year relationship) the week before and he can't even eat the food he bought, and on and on. At this point in the past, I would definitely have gotten up and fixed something. His scariness knows no bounds when he is in a rage like that and I knew it was going to be a long night if I didn't cave to his demands and his temper tantrum. This time I remained calm and told him he was welcome to fix whatever he would like but that I was not getting up at midnight to cook a meal for him. I figured I would let whatever happened happen at this point. You would have thought I told him I was having an affair or that the children were not his. He got up, threw his ring across the room and told me I sucked and was pathetic; the relationship and that stupid ring mean nothing to him; and he was sleeping in his truck because he is sick of living like this. He then left. I calmly got up and locked the doors and then got back into bed.
Of course, he called 20 minutes later to go on and on about how wrong, irresponsible, miserable, and pathetic I am...basically, the same old why he is right and I am wrong and all the problems in the relationship stem from the fact that I had a bad childhood so I don't understand what it means to be in a real relationship. I finally just hung up on him and went to bed--at 2:45. Apparently he tried to come home and get back in the house around 3:30 because I had six missed calls in the morning and it has been a miserable few weeks.
He wants me to start having my paychecks direct deposited to his account; because that is what married couples should do, and we both know that I am irresponsible with money. HAHAHA!!!!!! He will make changes, start interacting with the girls, and be more affectionate with me when I make the changes he wants. HAHAHA!!!! Only then can he trust me to truly be there for him. When I don't give in to these demands, I again am every kind of miserable, pathetic, ignorant, b**** you can imagine.
The thing is, for the first time I am actually working on me and on what has caused me to continue going back to him and accepting his treatment of me and my kids. Rather than making a hasty retreat only to return in a couple days or weeks, I am trying for strategy, and most importantly working on how my own attitudes are keeping me stuck in this rut. I feel like a general trying to plot to overthrow an enemy regime; only I'm not taking over a country, but taking myself back from him. While it feels good to have some plans and control over the situation (or at least myself), I am suddenly overcome with this hideous rage. I mean I can actually feel it in the pit of my stomach and it is all I can take to look at him without it spewing like lava all over both of us. All the physical abuse, the degrading comments and behaviors, the cruel and mean things he has said to me and to my kids over the years, all the financial abuse, all the sexual abuse, all the meanness and ugliness he has been spewing over me for the past 17+ years is just running through my head in a constant loop and it is making me physically sick--literally. I have already lost 7 pounds; I just can't seem to eat without it violently coming back out. Now, I had gained some weight over the last year, so it isn't tragic that I am losing weight, but I've been in this place before and got really sick and skinny.
How do you deal with the rage?
Predictably, it has been a rough month. Two weeks ago, our youngest daughter had a concert at school. He typically does not attend any school functions, but in this case he couldn't even help me get her to the concert. I had to work in a different location and switch my work schedule around just to be able to get her there on time. He spent the evening helping his cousin work on his car. I got up that morning at 5:30 to get the girls fed and off to school. I then worked on my own school assignments because I was well aware I would not have the opportunity that evening because of the concert. I got dressed and headed off to work at 7:30. At 4 I had to leave work to pick up our older daughter from cheerleading conditioning practices, rushed home and tried to get a small snack into the girls so we could head to the other high school for the concert. Left the concert at 9:30, stopped at 7-11 just to get them something substantial for dinner. At 10:30 he called me with an attitude because I hadn't called him to let him know I was home okay. He was still at the shop working on his cousin's car. He asked what I had fixed for dinner. I informed him that I didn't fix dinner, I had just stopped to pick something up because I was tired and worn out after the long day. He told me I better f***in fix him something for dinner and hung up on me. At this point, I would ordinarily have just done it to save the evening, but as I said I have been working on my choices that lead to me feeling bad. He calls again at 11:15 to tell me he will be leaving the shop in about 15-20 minutes and again asks me what I am fixing him for dinner. As calmly as possible I explain to him that I won't be fixing dinner and could he please stop at one of the myriad places he passes on the way home to get something as I have had a long day and have to get up and do it all over again at 5:30 in the morning. He hangs up again. At 11:46 he walks in the door, predictably with no food. He makes as much noise as possible getting showered and into bed; bouncing as hard as he can on the bed in the process. I lie there and do not react.
After about 10 minutes of this little act and getting no reaction, he sits up, gets in my face, and starts screaming about where the f is his food. I tell him again, calmly, that I didn't fix anything and why didn't he stop to get something. He, after all, passed three 7-11, a WaWa, a McDonalds, Wendys, and Taco Bell on his way home. He then starts screaming about how pathetic I am as a wife; most husbands are able to get a meal; he actually went to the grocery store (for only about the fourth time in our entire nearly 18 year relationship) the week before and he can't even eat the food he bought, and on and on. At this point in the past, I would definitely have gotten up and fixed something. His scariness knows no bounds when he is in a rage like that and I knew it was going to be a long night if I didn't cave to his demands and his temper tantrum. This time I remained calm and told him he was welcome to fix whatever he would like but that I was not getting up at midnight to cook a meal for him. I figured I would let whatever happened happen at this point. You would have thought I told him I was having an affair or that the children were not his. He got up, threw his ring across the room and told me I sucked and was pathetic; the relationship and that stupid ring mean nothing to him; and he was sleeping in his truck because he is sick of living like this. He then left. I calmly got up and locked the doors and then got back into bed.
Of course, he called 20 minutes later to go on and on about how wrong, irresponsible, miserable, and pathetic I am...basically, the same old why he is right and I am wrong and all the problems in the relationship stem from the fact that I had a bad childhood so I don't understand what it means to be in a real relationship. I finally just hung up on him and went to bed--at 2:45. Apparently he tried to come home and get back in the house around 3:30 because I had six missed calls in the morning and it has been a miserable few weeks.
He wants me to start having my paychecks direct deposited to his account; because that is what married couples should do, and we both know that I am irresponsible with money. HAHAHA!!!!!! He will make changes, start interacting with the girls, and be more affectionate with me when I make the changes he wants. HAHAHA!!!! Only then can he trust me to truly be there for him. When I don't give in to these demands, I again am every kind of miserable, pathetic, ignorant, b**** you can imagine.
The thing is, for the first time I am actually working on me and on what has caused me to continue going back to him and accepting his treatment of me and my kids. Rather than making a hasty retreat only to return in a couple days or weeks, I am trying for strategy, and most importantly working on how my own attitudes are keeping me stuck in this rut. I feel like a general trying to plot to overthrow an enemy regime; only I'm not taking over a country, but taking myself back from him. While it feels good to have some plans and control over the situation (or at least myself), I am suddenly overcome with this hideous rage. I mean I can actually feel it in the pit of my stomach and it is all I can take to look at him without it spewing like lava all over both of us. All the physical abuse, the degrading comments and behaviors, the cruel and mean things he has said to me and to my kids over the years, all the financial abuse, all the sexual abuse, all the meanness and ugliness he has been spewing over me for the past 17+ years is just running through my head in a constant loop and it is making me physically sick--literally. I have already lost 7 pounds; I just can't seem to eat without it violently coming back out. Now, I had gained some weight over the last year, so it isn't tragic that I am losing weight, but I've been in this place before and got really sick and skinny.
How do you deal with the rage?
Replies
Sweet I am so glad to see you back here, I was worried about you! I\'m sorry life is still so bad for you but glad to see you\'re working on it, it sounds like you\'re on the right track but please look after yourself at the same time. I\'m afraid I have no idea how to deal with the rage other than to do what you\'re doing and throw all of it into helping you make your plans for leaving. I\'m out now and it is so worth it, I was feeling so sick by the time I went but now that\'s all gone and life is great! Just keep working on it, you can do this, you can change your life!