Choices

Last night it occurred to me that I am giving him too much power. I know that I feel it isn't safe to take that power back, but I needed to understand that it was ME that made the choice to give it to him in the first place. I realize there are consequences for every action that we take and every decision that we make, and that sometimes none of the choices lead to a happy consequence, but the point is I have the power to make the choices.
I choose how I let him make me feel. NO I don't like the abuse, I don't invite the abuse, and he is the one that chooses to abuse me, but I am ultimately the one that chooses to allow it. I choose my response, not him. I choose to feel bad and down, not him. I choose to be beaten down and I let myself feel "less".
I think that, even though I didn't ask for this situation, even though it seems that he is the one with all of the power, I have more than I have acknowledged. I am tired of feeling powerless. There are things I can do. There are ways I can take back control of my own life. I won't do anything that puts myself or my kids in danger of being hurt or worse, but I am going to work on me and on them from here on out. I cannot change him. I cannot change his attitude, his behavior, or his sense of entitlement. However, I can change me and I can let my kids see that this isn't what a normal relationship is supposed to be like. I can enjoy my life and help them to enjoy theirs.
I control my own life. I control my own feelings. I control my own actions and whether or not I react to a situation. I control my destiny. I will not allow myself to give in to his control any longer.