Me.....

I seem to have lost myself in the process of trying to survive this relationship. I am not the person I once was, nor am I anywhere near the person I will be. If I need motivation, this is the person I will be.
 
I am a good mother. I already love my kids more than life itself, but when I am free I will be free to be the mom I wanted to be. I will spend evenings with my kids; watching movies and eating popcorn, having sleepovers, hanging out at the mall or the beach, playing games, going places together that he claims we cannot afford or that they haven't "earned". I will talk to my kids and enjoy them, and they will enjoy the peace and harmony in our home. Disagreements will be acceptable--they are kids, of course they don't always agree with mom and dad, they shouldn't have to. But, fighting, raised voices, and raised fists will NEVER be acceptable in our house. We will attend family and individual counseling to help us heal as a unit, not in separate ways; we will take long walks and do silly things for the sake of doing something fun, not worrying about getting "caught" at it.
I am a good friend. I can talk to my friends for hours without the worry of being questioned and interrogated, or of being embarrassed by some stupid, revoltingly ridiculous thing he says to me or even to them. I will have them over for barbecues and to watch the game or just for our kids to hang out. I will meet them for drinks once in a while without worrying about it. I will be there if they need me any time of day or night without fear.
I am relaxed. I can read a book if I want to. I can spend all day in bed watching bad Lifetime movies if I want to. I can make peanut butter sandwiches for dinner if I don't feel like cooking and leave dishes in the sink and cups on the counter for another day. I can decide one morning that I feel like driving to the Ocean for the day, and just go with the kids. I can decide to host a football day party and do so. I can watch the football games without feeling guilty or defective in some way because I am a female who thoroughly enjoys football and horrors of horrors I actually understand it. I can go to the store just to window shop because I don't feel like being in the house anymore. I can go visit family and friends just because I want to, not because something is wrong. My kids can have friends over without fears of their father's behavior. Jordan can come back home. We can all be comfortable and happy in our home. I can blast music and dance around like a crazy person with the girls and not worry about his reaction if he happens to come home. I don't have to get up in the middle of the night to cook dinner for him, clean up, or just keep him happy and comfortable. I don't have to worry about walking on eggshells.
I am funny, creative, energetic, generous, and kind. There is nothing wrong with this. People are not making fun of me or using me because I am an "easy mark". I used to do just these things, until he came along. I plan on doing them again. If I have to leave the state to do this, I will feel badly about my kids getting uprooted again, but you know what....they will be so much happier and healthier in the long run!!