memories
I should be doing homework, cleaning the house, paying bills..something other than sitting here "reminiscing", but somehow I think this is more important. I need to keep remembering things that have happened in order to remind myself why it is so imperative that I start the ball rolling and get out of this situation. I pray that it is not too late to heal the damage that has been done to not only myself, but especially to my babies. Jordan will be 18 in just a few short months, Alexis just turned 14, and Alyssa will be 13 the beginning of the year. Is it too late to show them that they truly have always been the center of my universe, and that the love I feel for them is so much more powerful than the abuse they have witnessed and even been privy to on occasion? Can I rebuild my relationships with my kids, maybe it is too late to give them the childhood I envisioned for them, but can I ever make up for it now that they are older? I pray that I can and that they can escape this cycle for themselves.
How many fights did we have over Jordan? How many altercations that he had in school, how many suspensions did I hide from Timmy to avoid Jordan hearing any discouraging words from him? I cannot even count. Timmy claims I was in the wrong for not telling him and letting him be involved in the discipline, but I did not want my children to be subjected to the same "discipline" I was subjected to on a regular basis. I would have died to protect them from that. I told him I ran into the wall and put a hole in it when the kids were fighting and someone's elbow went through it. I told him I was the one who dropped the plate and broke it, even though it was an accident that they did it, because I didn't want them to hear it. I encouraged my children to lie to him to avoid the drama and the backlash. Was that wrong? Probably more confusing for them, but I think that--given the same circumstances--I would do the same.
But I know they heard the arguments. I know they heard the disparaging remarks he made, not only about me but about them as well. How he would scream at me that my son was going to be a piece of shit loser like my brothers and his father. Like how my daughter was a fat ass who needed to stop eating so much. How I was wrong and he was right. That hurts the most. To know that they didn't even hear me defending them, only his words, because I knew that if I tried to or showed too much loyalty to my kids in my defense of them, he would punish me by going at them instead of me. So, I sucked it up and let him talk and scream and rant and rave. I didn't talk back or deny his accusations unless he did try to physically confront them. Then, and only then, would I get in between and try to fight him. Do they know that I love them more than anything and that the problem was not them, is not them, that the problem is him? Or did they internalize all the hateful, evil things he said and truly believe them?
I need to get counseling for them. Jordan is old enough now that he might not go, and I can't force him. I can only hope that I can get through to him once we get free. That I can make it up to him in some way, even if it takes the rest of my days here on earth. Maybe the girls aren't too far gone. Maybe the damage can be undone. If we get out quickly enough and they see what normal life can and should be like. Maybe then.
How many fights did we have over Jordan? How many altercations that he had in school, how many suspensions did I hide from Timmy to avoid Jordan hearing any discouraging words from him? I cannot even count. Timmy claims I was in the wrong for not telling him and letting him be involved in the discipline, but I did not want my children to be subjected to the same "discipline" I was subjected to on a regular basis. I would have died to protect them from that. I told him I ran into the wall and put a hole in it when the kids were fighting and someone's elbow went through it. I told him I was the one who dropped the plate and broke it, even though it was an accident that they did it, because I didn't want them to hear it. I encouraged my children to lie to him to avoid the drama and the backlash. Was that wrong? Probably more confusing for them, but I think that--given the same circumstances--I would do the same.
But I know they heard the arguments. I know they heard the disparaging remarks he made, not only about me but about them as well. How he would scream at me that my son was going to be a piece of shit loser like my brothers and his father. Like how my daughter was a fat ass who needed to stop eating so much. How I was wrong and he was right. That hurts the most. To know that they didn't even hear me defending them, only his words, because I knew that if I tried to or showed too much loyalty to my kids in my defense of them, he would punish me by going at them instead of me. So, I sucked it up and let him talk and scream and rant and rave. I didn't talk back or deny his accusations unless he did try to physically confront them. Then, and only then, would I get in between and try to fight him. Do they know that I love them more than anything and that the problem was not them, is not them, that the problem is him? Or did they internalize all the hateful, evil things he said and truly believe them?
I need to get counseling for them. Jordan is old enough now that he might not go, and I can't force him. I can only hope that I can get through to him once we get free. That I can make it up to him in some way, even if it takes the rest of my days here on earth. Maybe the girls aren't too far gone. Maybe the damage can be undone. If we get out quickly enough and they see what normal life can and should be like. Maybe then.
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