Today.....
I SO wish I could access my old account and all my journal entries from those days. I need those reminders during days when I am alternating between being "done" with this mess and sadness and guilt that I shouldn't feel this way.
The kids went back to school four days ago. He actually gave me $200 to do some shopping for them, which is a definite step up from what he has done for the past 10 years (which was exactly nothing!!) That money definitely helped, although it didn't scratch the surface of what a 7th and 9th grader need for school. I feel guilty even thinking that, and ungrateful, because there have been so many years he wouldn't even have done that and there are so many other mothers who are doing this all on their own.
We had a long talk about 3 weeks ago. I can't remember what transgression I had committed at that time, but he basically told me he needs me to be in his corner more. I never have his back. A real woman needs to treat a real man the way he needs to be treated, and according to him, I don't know what a real man needs. He claims a man needs his woman to back him no matter what mistakes he makes or how many times he makes them. She will ignore them and say "it doesn't matter, this is my man and I love him." I told him that this may have worked 17 years ago when we first started out, but I am older (and wiser) and realize that love is a two way street. I cannot wait for him to stop being a jerk to us, or ignore his attitude, threats, and aggression because "I love him". Basically, we got no resolution, just the same old me giving in at 4 am so I could get some sleep because I had to get up at 6:30 for work (and he had me up at 3 am that morning having sex with me--while I was knocked out!) Actually, now I remember what that fight was about. He was angry because he said I had an attitude with him when he woke me up again. He doesn't appreciate that. If he wakes up in the middle of the night wanting sex, he has every right to take it. Basically, that's my job.
Last night, I got in bed after a long day at work, came home to cook dinner, clean house, do laundry, fill out paperwork for the kids' schools, do my own homework; then he got home at 9:30 and I had to fix his dinner, then take my shower and finally fall into bed at 10:45 tired and not feeling so hot. With the kids back in school, I'm losing an hour of sleep in the mornings to get them up and out to the bus stop. He rolls over and says, "You could just jerk me off tonight if you wanted." (Sex nearly always involves me performing oral sex, unless I am sound asleep when he decides he wants it). I said, as politely as I could "No thank you, I think I'll pass tonight--I'm tired and not feeling well." He then repllies, "Well then just roll over so I can take it." I looked at him and said, "Oh gee, I get a pass tonight?" Then I kind of half laughed so he wouldn't feel I was yelling at him. He starts tossing blankets and pillows and rolls over saying "You really get on my f***ing nerves sometimes. You are such a b****!". I just ignored him. So he starts literally bouncing back and forth on the bed, pulling covers, then gets up to turn off the TV which I was watching the news on at the time. I ended up passing out, so I don't know if he said or did anything else last night. This morning, while making the bed, I found his wedding ring tangled in the covers, so I guess that was a "message" to me because he hasn't called or responded to text messages or anything.
I am so tired. He makes me feel like I am over reacting or expecting too much; real relationships have issues, I do understand this. But aren't these issues a bit more than most relationships have? Don't men treat the women they love with respect? Don't they interact with their children and spend time with their families? Don't they do things for their families, not just expect their families to do for them. Don't discussions happen when one partner is having an issue, rather than fights and accusations and threats? I'm not sure anymore. I've left so many times, this isn't good for the kids or for me. In order to truly get away from him, I will need to leave the state and essentially go into hiding from him. He finds me no matter how far I go, then he keeps beating at me with his guilt trip until I give in. If I don't give in, the threats begin until I give in anyway because I am terrified. I don't want to move my kids AGAIN. The police are no help--he's related to several of them here in the county. When I had to call on Christmas night (really at 4 am the morning after), they made me and the kids leave. We rode around for two hours until we finally went back home because there was nowhere else for us to go at that time of the morning. What worries me the most is that I am feeling so listless this time. I don't feel like I have the energy to fight him anymore, yet there is still a part of me screaming to get out. Well, gotta go to work now. Will write more later.
The kids went back to school four days ago. He actually gave me $200 to do some shopping for them, which is a definite step up from what he has done for the past 10 years (which was exactly nothing!!) That money definitely helped, although it didn't scratch the surface of what a 7th and 9th grader need for school. I feel guilty even thinking that, and ungrateful, because there have been so many years he wouldn't even have done that and there are so many other mothers who are doing this all on their own.
We had a long talk about 3 weeks ago. I can't remember what transgression I had committed at that time, but he basically told me he needs me to be in his corner more. I never have his back. A real woman needs to treat a real man the way he needs to be treated, and according to him, I don't know what a real man needs. He claims a man needs his woman to back him no matter what mistakes he makes or how many times he makes them. She will ignore them and say "it doesn't matter, this is my man and I love him." I told him that this may have worked 17 years ago when we first started out, but I am older (and wiser) and realize that love is a two way street. I cannot wait for him to stop being a jerk to us, or ignore his attitude, threats, and aggression because "I love him". Basically, we got no resolution, just the same old me giving in at 4 am so I could get some sleep because I had to get up at 6:30 for work (and he had me up at 3 am that morning having sex with me--while I was knocked out!) Actually, now I remember what that fight was about. He was angry because he said I had an attitude with him when he woke me up again. He doesn't appreciate that. If he wakes up in the middle of the night wanting sex, he has every right to take it. Basically, that's my job.
Last night, I got in bed after a long day at work, came home to cook dinner, clean house, do laundry, fill out paperwork for the kids' schools, do my own homework; then he got home at 9:30 and I had to fix his dinner, then take my shower and finally fall into bed at 10:45 tired and not feeling so hot. With the kids back in school, I'm losing an hour of sleep in the mornings to get them up and out to the bus stop. He rolls over and says, "You could just jerk me off tonight if you wanted." (Sex nearly always involves me performing oral sex, unless I am sound asleep when he decides he wants it). I said, as politely as I could "No thank you, I think I'll pass tonight--I'm tired and not feeling well." He then repllies, "Well then just roll over so I can take it." I looked at him and said, "Oh gee, I get a pass tonight?" Then I kind of half laughed so he wouldn't feel I was yelling at him. He starts tossing blankets and pillows and rolls over saying "You really get on my f***ing nerves sometimes. You are such a b****!". I just ignored him. So he starts literally bouncing back and forth on the bed, pulling covers, then gets up to turn off the TV which I was watching the news on at the time. I ended up passing out, so I don't know if he said or did anything else last night. This morning, while making the bed, I found his wedding ring tangled in the covers, so I guess that was a "message" to me because he hasn't called or responded to text messages or anything.
I am so tired. He makes me feel like I am over reacting or expecting too much; real relationships have issues, I do understand this. But aren't these issues a bit more than most relationships have? Don't men treat the women they love with respect? Don't they interact with their children and spend time with their families? Don't they do things for their families, not just expect their families to do for them. Don't discussions happen when one partner is having an issue, rather than fights and accusations and threats? I'm not sure anymore. I've left so many times, this isn't good for the kids or for me. In order to truly get away from him, I will need to leave the state and essentially go into hiding from him. He finds me no matter how far I go, then he keeps beating at me with his guilt trip until I give in. If I don't give in, the threats begin until I give in anyway because I am terrified. I don't want to move my kids AGAIN. The police are no help--he's related to several of them here in the county. When I had to call on Christmas night (really at 4 am the morning after), they made me and the kids leave. We rode around for two hours until we finally went back home because there was nowhere else for us to go at that time of the morning. What worries me the most is that I am feeling so listless this time. I don't feel like I have the energy to fight him anymore, yet there is still a part of me screaming to get out. Well, gotta go to work now. Will write more later.
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