JUST FEELING LIKE CRAP AGAIN TODAY. DO I HAVE THE RIGHT TO FEEL THAT WAY? IS IT OK FOR ME TO BE ANGRY? I WAS WONDERING IF IT WAS OK FOR ME TO SAY THE "F" WORD, CAUSE I COULD PROBABLY SAY IT ABOUT A MILLION TIMES. WHEN IM MAD OR SAD OR AGGRAVATED WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO EXPLAIN MYSELF TO PEOPLE? I HATE FEELING THAT WAY. WHY CANT I JUST FEEL THE WAY I FEEL? SOMETIMES I FEEL GUILTY FOR BEING DEPRESSED. LIKE I SHOULD TRY AND STOP BEING THAT WAY. WHAT AM I EVEN DOING? I DONT EVEN HAVE A CLUE. IM HAVING PROBLEMS WITH MY SON, HES NOT DOING GOOD IN SCHOOL. SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE THE PEOPLE I NEED THE MOST ARE NOT THERE FOR ME. I KNOW MY SON IS ONLY 16 BUT SOMETIMES I THINK I NEED HIM ALOT MORE THAN HE NEEDS ME. BUT DOES THAT MAKE IT WRONG WHEN I WANT HIM TO HUG ME OR TELL ME HES THERE FOR ME? I WISHED HE SHOWED ME MORE ATTENTION THAN HE DOES OR SHOULD I SAY DOESNT DO? I KNOW HIM AND MOLLY ARE DIFFERENT WHEN IT COMES TO AFFECTION BUT DEAR GOD THE LACK OF AFFECTION THAT HE HAS FOR ME IS UNREAL SOMETIMES. I KNOW HE LOVES ME BUT SOMETIMES I NEED TO REALLY FEEL IT. I FEEL LIKE MY "BOYFRIEND" ( 6 1/2 YEARS) DOESNT EVEN HAVE A CLUE AS TO HOW I FEEL. ITS HARD TO TALK TO HIM BECAUSE HE DONT HAVE KIDS. WE HAVE OUR OWN STONE BUSINESS AND I SEE HIM GO TO WORK, EVEN OUT OF TOWN TO WORK WITHOUT BLINKING HIS EYE. I CANT EVEN GO BACK TO WORK BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE I NEED TO BE AS CLOSE TO MOLLY AS POSSIBLE. WHAT IF SHE NEEDS ME AND IM SOMEWHERE ELSE? AM I WRONG FOR BEING ANGRY THAT HE DOESNT HURT HALF AS MUCH AS I DO? WHEN I SEE PEOPLE "MOVING" ON I FEEL LIKE I HATE THEM AND CANT UNDERSTAND WHY THEY WOULD WANT TO CONTINUE WITHOUT MOLLY CAUSE I SURE DONT. IM SURE THEY WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND MY PAIN. I FEEL LIKE I LIVE INSIDE A FREAKIN BOX AND IM THE ONLY ONE THERE. IN MY OWN WORLD. I SIT AROUND WAITING ON MOLLY TO COME BACK TO ME WHILE THE "EFFIN" WORLD KEEPS ON LIVING. MY "EFFIN" WORLD STOPPED... WHY HASNT EVERYBODY ELSES? IM TIRED... I CAN FEEL MY BODY WEARING DOWN.. MY MIND MY SOUL, I CAN FEEL IT DYING. NOTHING NOBODY DOES OR SAYS WILL STOP THE TORMENT I LIVE IN EVERYDAY AND NIGHT. IM SO LONELY FOR MY MOLLY. DEAR LORD I MISS HER SO MUCH. WHY CANT I JUST HOLD HER, SMELL HER BEAUTIFUL LONG BROWN HAIR? FEEL HER SOFT TOUCH? WHY GOD WHY? I WAS THINKIN THE OTHER DAY ABOUT THE LITTLE SCAR SHE HAS ON HER RIGHT BIRD FINGER... SHE CUT IT TAKING OUT THE TRASH WHEN SHE WAS LIKE 7 YEARS OLD AND HAD TO GET LIKE 3 STITCHES.. I MISS THAT LITTLE SCAR. SHE WOULD ALWAYS TELL ME..." THANK YOU FOR MAKING ME BEAUTIFUL". NOT ONLY IS MY BABY BEAUTIFUL BUT SHE IS SWEET. GOD I NEED HER AND I MISS HER SO MUCH MORE TODAY THAN I DID YESTERDAY. I LOVE YOU MOLLY, MY BABIGURL I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU LIKE NEVER BEFORE. LOVE ALWAYS,"PAPABEAR"
Replies
Crystal, just let it all out. It seems as if we don\'t, it eats us up inside - and we\'re already torn to pieces. I wish I knew the words to make it better, but all I can say is that we are here to listen and share our caring for you. Take baby steps and if you fall down, we will wait by your side to pick you back up. xoxo Barbara
I\'m encouraged by this journal because I see you expressing yourself so openly and honestly. That is SO important. You scream and vent and curse all you want to darling. I too have a son whom I love dearly and SO need him to show some sort of compassion to me. He doesn\'t. He\'s selfish and detached. It hurts so much. But your are right, they are different than our daughters. I try to accept that, and I do, but for heavens sake, my son is almost 21, you\'d think he\'d show some compassion to his hurting mother??? Anyway, darling hang in there and keep journaling.
Much love and many, many hugs,
Teri
Sis, I didn\'t even know until now that you were writing in your journal. I hope and pray that these women will be able to help you. I am here for you...I love you.
huge hugs from another mom who understands/
Sending you a huge HUG I apsolutely understand,I have 3 younger than my Ashley and none are the way she was, they are all different and grieve in their own way but it doesnt make it any easier for us, I think sometimes I am leaning too much on my 12 yr old who has tried and is trying to \"fill\" her sisters shoes and then my 16 yr old doesnt seem to have anything that phazes her,I dont know but all we can do is go one day one minute at a time.....
Kim
Ashleysmom
You need to feel your feelings when and how you need to. to H with other people, you need to do what\'s right for you. Anger is a big part of this journey. If I can help, let me Hugs Cathy