JUST FEELING LIKE CRAP AGAIN TODAY. DO I HAVE THE RIGHT TO FEEL THAT WAY? IS IT OK FOR ME TO BE ANGRY? I WAS WONDERING IF IT WAS OK FOR ME TO SAY THE "F" WORD, CAUSE I COULD PROBABLY SAY IT ABOUT A MILLION TIMES. WHEN IM MAD OR SAD OR AGGRAVATED WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO EXPLAIN MYSELF TO PEOPLE? I HATE FEELING THAT WAY. WHY CANT I JUST FEEL THE WAY I FEEL? SOMETIMES I FEEL GUILTY FOR BEING DEPRESSED. LIKE I SHOULD TRY AND STOP BEING THAT WAY. WHAT AM I EVEN DOING? I DONT EVEN HAVE A CLUE. IM HAVING PROBLEMS WITH MY SON, HES NOT DOING GOOD IN SCHOOL. SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE THE PEOPLE I NEED THE MOST ARE NOT THERE FOR ME. I KNOW MY SON IS ONLY 16 BUT SOMETIMES I THINK I NEED HIM ALOT MORE THAN HE NEEDS ME. BUT DOES THAT MAKE IT WRONG WHEN I WANT HIM TO HUG ME OR TELL ME HES THERE FOR ME? I WISHED HE SHOWED ME MORE ATTENTION THAN HE DOES OR SHOULD I SAY DOESNT DO? I KNOW HIM AND MOLLY ARE DIFFERENT WHEN IT COMES TO AFFECTION BUT DEAR GOD THE LACK OF AFFECTION THAT HE HAS FOR ME IS UNREAL SOMETIMES. I KNOW HE LOVES ME BUT SOMETIMES I NEED TO REALLY FEEL IT. I FEEL LIKE MY "BOYFRIEND" ( 6 1/2 YEARS) DOESNT EVEN HAVE A CLUE AS TO HOW I FEEL. ITS HARD TO TALK TO HIM BECAUSE HE DONT HAVE KIDS. WE HAVE OUR OWN STONE BUSINESS AND I SEE HIM GO TO WORK, EVEN OUT OF TOWN TO WORK WITHOUT BLINKING HIS EYE. I CANT EVEN GO BACK TO WORK BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE I NEED TO BE AS CLOSE TO MOLLY AS POSSIBLE. WHAT IF SHE NEEDS ME AND IM SOMEWHERE ELSE? AM I WRONG FOR BEING ANGRY THAT HE DOESNT HURT HALF AS MUCH AS I DO? WHEN I SEE PEOPLE "MOVING" ON I FEEL LIKE I HATE THEM AND CANT UNDERSTAND WHY THEY WOULD WANT TO CONTINUE WITHOUT MOLLY CAUSE I SURE DONT. IM SURE THEY WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND MY PAIN. I FEEL LIKE I LIVE INSIDE A FREAKIN BOX AND IM THE ONLY ONE THERE. IN MY OWN WORLD. I SIT AROUND WAITING ON MOLLY TO COME BACK TO ME WHILE THE "EFFIN" WORLD KEEPS ON LIVING. MY "EFFIN" WORLD STOPPED... WHY HASNT EVERYBODY ELSES? IM TIRED... I CAN FEEL MY BODY WEARING DOWN.. MY MIND MY SOUL, I CAN FEEL IT DYING. NOTHING NOBODY DOES OR SAYS WILL STOP THE TORMENT I LIVE IN EVERYDAY AND NIGHT. IM SO LONELY FOR MY MOLLY. DEAR LORD I MISS HER SO MUCH. WHY CANT I JUST HOLD HER, SMELL HER BEAUTIFUL LONG BROWN HAIR? FEEL HER SOFT TOUCH? WHY GOD WHY? I WAS THINKIN THE OTHER DAY ABOUT THE LITTLE SCAR SHE HAS ON HER RIGHT BIRD FINGER... SHE CUT IT TAKING OUT THE TRASH WHEN SHE WAS LIKE 7 YEARS OLD AND HAD TO GET LIKE 3 STITCHES.. I MISS THAT LITTLE SCAR. SHE WOULD ALWAYS TELL ME..." THANK YOU FOR MAKING ME BEAUTIFUL". NOT ONLY IS MY BABY BEAUTIFUL BUT SHE IS SWEET. GOD I NEED HER AND I MISS HER SO MUCH MORE TODAY THAN I DID YESTERDAY. I LOVE YOU MOLLY, MY BABIGURL I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU LIKE NEVER BEFORE.  LOVE ALWAYS,"PAPABEAR"