I HAVE BEEN SO "EFFIN" ANGRY WITH MYSELF THESE PAST FEW DAYS. I DONT KNOW WHY CAUSE NOTHING HAS CHANGED. MAYBE BECAUSE I FEEL HELPLESS. I LOOK IN THE MIRROR AND ALL I CAN SAY IS "I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU FOR EVERYTHING YOU'VE DONE I HATE YOU FOR EVERYTHING YOU DIDN'T DO, I JUST HATE YOU". I CAN'T EVEN STAND THE SIGHT OF ME. I GOT SO AGGRAVATED YESTERDAY WHEN I CAME TO SEE YOU MOLLY, I BROUGHT YOU SOME NEW FLOWERS AND I WAS TRYING TO ARRAINGE THEM SO THEY WOULD LOOK PRETTY AND I COULDN'T EVEN FIX THEM, NOT TO MENTION IT WAS RAINING , I WAS COLD AND LONELY AND I WAS TRYING TO GIVE MY BABY FLOWERS AND I COULDN'T EVEN GET THAT RIGHT. THEN I GOT HOME AND CHECKED THE MAIL AND THERE WAS A LETTER FROM YOUR ART SCHOOL WANTING TO KNOW IF YOU NEEDED MORE TIME TO TURN IN YOUR LAST LESSONS... MORE TIME WELL... YEAH YOU THINK... GOD IT WAS LIKE EVERYTHING WAS JUST BREAKING ME DOWN. I CALLED THEM AND HAD TO TELL THEM THAT YOU PASSED AWAY IN JUNE LAST YEAR... YEAH I SAID LAST YEAR AND THOUGHT "WHAT"? LAST YEAR IS THIS YEAR OR JUNE WAS YESTERDAY.. I HOPE IM NOT CONFUSING YOU CAUSE I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY EXCEPT I LOST YOU...MY BABY YESTERDAY... DOES THAT MAKE SENSE... I JUST MISS YOU SO MUCH AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M SUPPOSED TO DO. SOME PEOPLE SAY I NEED TO PICK UP THE PIECES AND CARRY ON... HOW CAN I PICK UP THE PIECES WHEN THEY ARE NONE LEFT? WHERE DO I GO FROM HERE? WHEN I WAKE UP IN THE MORNINGS I AM FACED WITH KNOWING THAT YOU ARE NOT HERE, BEFORE I LAY DOWN AT NIGHT I KNOW IM NOT GONNA GET TO SEE YOUR BEAUTIFUL FACE BEFORE I GO TO SLEEP. I HOLD YOU IN MY HEART BUT BABY SOMETIMES THATS JUST NOT ENOUGH. I LONG FOR YOU WITH EACH PASSING SECOND OF THE DAY. I FEEL SO LOST. I FEEL LIKE I HAVE BEEN DROPPED OFF ON SOME DESERTED ISLAND AND THEY SAID OK... "LIVE". HOW DO I LIVE WITHOUT YOU MOLLY? YOU KNOW SOME PEOPLE THINK THEY HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS BUT WHOS TO SAY WHAT THEY WOULD DO IF THEY WERE IN MY SHOES? I FEEL LIKE IM IN A RACE OR PLAYING A GAME WITH MY MIND.. AND I KNOW IM NOT GONNA WIN. SOMEONE WHO IS NOT FEELING WHAT I FEEL SURELY CAN REASON WITH THEIRSELF WITH REALITY BUT CAN I? NOT LATELY I CANT, ITS HARD TO KNOW WHATS REAL OR NOT SOMETIMES. AND YOU KNOW WHAT MOLLY... NOBODY UNDERSTANDS. THEY WANT ME TO SEE THINGS THE WAY THEY DO AND I CANT. MY FEELINGS ARE DEFINITELY DIFFERENT THAN THEIRS. AND IF THEY EVEN THINK THEY CAN FEEL MY PAIN MY LOSS MY SORROW... THEY ARE MISTAKEN.. NOTHIN CAN FEEL LIKE LOSING A CHILD OR EVEN COMPARE.. UNLESS ITS YOUR CHILD THAT IS LOST. THIS IS MY LIFE NOT THEIRS AND I WILL LIVE IT THE BEST I CAN AND IF ITS NOT UP TO THEIR STANDARDS THEN THATS OK CAUSE TRUTHFULLY I COULD REALLY CARE LESS. IM GONNA DO WHAT I NEED TO DO TO GET THROUGH THIS DAY. IF I SIT AROUND AND WAIT FOR YOU TO COME BACK TO ME WHO ARE THEY TO CRUSH THE ONLY PIECE OF HOPE THAT GETS ME THROUGH THIS STUPID LIFE, THIS HORRIBLE NIGHTMARE. LIFE IS NOT FAIR AND I NEVER WANTED TO FEEL THIS WAY. SO CAN I BE BLAMED FOR WISHFUL THINKING? I LOVE YOU MOLLY AND ONLY YOU AND GOD KNOW HOW MUCH I MISS YOU. I NEVER IMAGINED WHAT LIFE WOULD BE LIKE IF I DIDNT HAVE YOU. BUT I CAN TELL YOU THIS... ITS DEFINITELY NOT WORTH LIVING. SO I BEG YOU MOLLY TO PLEASE BE WITH ME TODAY AND EVERYDAY UNTIL WE ARE FINALLY TOGETHER AGAIN CAUSE WITHOUT YOU I CAN NOT MAKE IT. JUST KNOW THAT I LOVE YOU AND BUBBA WITH ALL THATS IN ME, I ALWAYS WILL. I WILL TELL YOU WHAT YOU ALWAYS TELL ME... I FREAKIN LOVE YOU YOU IDIOT!!!!LOVE ALWAYS,"PAPABEAR"