I WOKE UP THIS MORNING WITH AN EMPTY SPOT IN MY CHEST. NOTHING I DO CAN EASE THE PAIN, ITS SEEMS TO ACHE ALL THE TIME. NO MATTER WHAT I DO OR WHERE I GO IT CONSTANTLY ACHES. ITS HARD TO BELIEVE THAT I'M ALONE, IN THIS BIG CRUEL WORLD I HAVE BEEN LEFT HERE TO TRY AND LIVE. I DON'T KNOW MY PURPOSE ANYMORE. BEFORE I THOUGHT I WAS HERE TO BE SOMEONE SPECIAL, SOMEONE TO TAKE CARE OF YOU. SOMEONE WHO KNEW WHAT TO DO WHEN BAD THINGS HAPPEN. I CAN'T FIX THIS THING. I HAVE NO CONTRLO OF ALL OF THIS GOING ON. IMAGINE DRIVING DOWN A STREET A HUNDRED MILES AN HOUR AND THE STEERING WHEEL IS GONE... YOU ARE IN THE DRIVERS SEAT BUT HAVE NO WAY OF TURNING OR AVOIDING THE CURVES . THAT HAS BECOME MY LIFE NOT KNOWING WHERE IT WILL TAKE ME AND REALLY NOT EVEN CARING EITHER. SOME DAYS I WANT TO JUST LAY IN BED AND DIE AND OTHER DAYS I JUST "WANT".. I WANT YOU MOLLY.. I WANT MY BABY , I WANT MY LIL GIRL... BUT I BELIEVE MOST OF ALL I WANT MY HEART BACK.. I WANT ME!!! I CAN'T FIND ME ANYWHERE. I CAN HONESTLY SAY MOLLY... EMOITIONALLY....I DIED THE DAY YOU LEFT ME. WILL I EVER COME BACK? I DON'T THINK SO. WHY DOES GOD ALLOW ME TO CONTINUE TO SUFFER? I FOUND OUT WHAT THAT EMPTY SPOT WAS... ITS YOU MY BABIGURL.. IT'S WHERE YOU USE TO LIVE IN ME AND NOW THERE'S NOTHING THAT CAN FILL THAT EMPTINESS. THE ONLY THING THAT CAN HELP ME NOW MOLLY IS YOU. I EAT I DRINK BUT NEVER BECOME FULL.. I SLEEP BUT I'M NEVER RESTED. HOW CAN I LIVE AT THE SAME TIME THAT I'M DYING? I LONG FOR YOU MOLLY ALLYSUN BROOKE COHRAN, MY FIRST BABY, MY HEART AND SOUL, MY FIRST TRUE LOVE... I NOW KNOW I WILL NEVER BE WHOLE OR COMPLETE AGAIN UNTIL THE DAY WE ARE TOGETHER AGAIN. I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YOUR BEAUTIFUL FACE, SMELL YOU LONG BROWN HAIR AND MOST OF ALL I CAN'T WAIT FOT YOU TO KISS ME IN MOUTH, I DON'T CARE WHO'S LOOKING, YOU CAN STILL TELL EVERYBODY I'M YOUR GIRLFRIEND... I MISS YOU LIKE THE BIRDS MISS THE SPRING AND I LOVE YOU WITH ALL THAT'S IN ME.. YOU WILL FOREVER BE MY BABIGURL..WAITING FOR MY SUFFERING TO END,"PAPABEAR"
Replies
We all know that emptiness. We all feel it. We all died the day our babies crossed. It\'s weird to die and to live on. It\'s a struggle to figure out what that means and how to do it. Molly will help you. She will guide you and love you each step of the way. And we are all here for you. I\'m encouraged by your writing a journal. It\'s a therapy that has so helped me. It\'s normal to feel out of control. Everything you\'ve written here we\'ve all experienced and/or are still experiencing. But there IS hope. There are smiles to be found and love to be felt. You will get to those places in your own time and in your own way. I send my love to you and to Molly.
Hugs and friendship,
Teri and Kala
Like Teri said we all have been or are experiencing the same feelings. I once explained to my older son that when Jake had his accident, it was like loosing one side of my body. Matt was one side and Jake was the other. Now I have to learn how to live without one of my sides. Most the time I am not sure if I can but for Matt I do. You will never be alone here. There is always someone walking by your side. Lots of hugs, Forever Jake\'s mom, kathy
We are here with you, learning to live in a world without our beautiful children. Only time will teach us how to find peace again. God bless - Barbara/EvansMom
Our lives are forever changed when we lose a child. We are still here and for all intents and purposes look and sound the same. The problem is that on the inside we will never, ever be the same person we once were. Our challenge now is to reinvent ourselves and our lives to the best of our ability and to be better and not bitter. It is a battle each day but as time goes on there start to be decent days among the hard and horrible ones. There is always help here. I hate it that there are so many wonderful mothers on this site because it means that they too have lost a beloved child BUT I truly don\'t know what I would do without all of you! Know that there is always someone here who will walk with you and hold your hand with love and support...Lynn
You have found an amazing group of Women who will be here for you. They listen, they hug, they give you a place to talk, and scream if you need to.
I am so sorry for your loss. I have no words that will make any of the pain easier. All I can offer you is understanding and a hug.
Cyndi