Those who know me the best know that I have very little concern about exposure of private matters, embarrassing situations, fears, struggles and disappointments. The way that I see it is very different from the way that most people do. Simply put, if someone doesn't approve or dislikes me, if my social reputation goes up or down, I do NOT care. Life is short. I'd rather cut out all the BS and live my life with enough courage to be myself, flaws and all.
The other day I saw something that will forever be etched into my heart and mind. I had the privilege of seeing my wife embracing and kissing her new lover. At first I didn't recognize her, my brain tried very hard to deceive me. But there she was. As I watched them (they were totally unaware) and I could tell that they were both very turned on and thoroughly enjoying one another.
For a few moments I felt as if it wasn't actually real. Then it hit. I felt as if my soul had been ripped from my body and gouged open spilling its contents on the sidewalk below me. After a few minutes of body rubbing and making out, she led him into the house and shut the door. I sat down and hung my head. The ache in my heart matched the ache in my stomach. I felt lightheaded and shaky all over. The window to her bedroom was open. And though I did not want to walk past it, I had absolutely no choice. My vehicle was on the other side of it and I needed to go. I slowly and walked by. I did not let myself glance toward the house. Then I heard the worst sound I have ever heard in my life. I heard my wife scream out and moan in pleasure as they made love in (what was once) our marriage bed.
I wanted to cry. I wanted to lay down and die, to give up my spirit and leave this torture behind.
But I cant. I have a daughter who loves me and needs me. And even though she is with another man, my wife still needs my support. I devoted my life to loving and caring for her, supporting her, providing for her needs. If I am going to ever respect myself again, I have to be true to myself and God. I need to maintain my vow to provide for my wife. And though my heart is a broken painful mess, I still love my bride. I ache to be reunited with her, to rebuild our love, our trust and our lives together as well as our family.
The other day I saw something that will forever be etched into my heart and mind. I had the privilege of seeing my wife embracing and kissing her new lover. At first I didn't recognize her, my brain tried very hard to deceive me. But there she was. As I watched them (they were totally unaware) and I could tell that they were both very turned on and thoroughly enjoying one another.
For a few moments I felt as if it wasn't actually real. Then it hit. I felt as if my soul had been ripped from my body and gouged open spilling its contents on the sidewalk below me. After a few minutes of body rubbing and making out, she led him into the house and shut the door. I sat down and hung my head. The ache in my heart matched the ache in my stomach. I felt lightheaded and shaky all over. The window to her bedroom was open. And though I did not want to walk past it, I had absolutely no choice. My vehicle was on the other side of it and I needed to go. I slowly and walked by. I did not let myself glance toward the house. Then I heard the worst sound I have ever heard in my life. I heard my wife scream out and moan in pleasure as they made love in (what was once) our marriage bed.
I wanted to cry. I wanted to lay down and die, to give up my spirit and leave this torture behind.
But I cant. I have a daughter who loves me and needs me. And even though she is with another man, my wife still needs my support. I devoted my life to loving and caring for her, supporting her, providing for her needs. If I am going to ever respect myself again, I have to be true to myself and God. I need to maintain my vow to provide for my wife. And though my heart is a broken painful mess, I still love my bride. I ache to be reunited with her, to rebuild our love, our trust and our lives together as well as our family.
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