Last nite was so aweful.When my husband got home from work we argued cus I didnt answer the 1000 times he called. I asked if he just didn't hear me when I said 'divorce' and why couldnt he understand that to talk to him and snuggle with him pains me right now. He asked if there was anything we could try besides a divorce. I looked at him. Told him I was done being the glue that held us together. I had no more options. I did mention marriage counseling again. He didnt even respond. probly best cus it's a waste of money with him anyway. Why pay someone to hear your problems if you wont talk about them? He finally just told me he had already gotten his job back in Charlotte and called his apartment complex to make sure he could get an open place. He is leaving. I broke down. It's hard, ya know. Even tho I am the one who said "lets get divorced" for him to want it too is just heartbreaking. I cried. Openly. He started to a little, but he seemed colder to me than I had been to him for the past several weeks.He did, however, apologize. He said he understood he is the one who brought us to this place. And he wished he had thought before his actions... at least some of the time. It helps a little. Then he told me he wanted to give a 3 week notice at work and can we just be like normal till he moves. Down to dinner out on Saturday nites. Sleeping in the same bed. Kissing each other good nite. I started screaming at him. "Do you know how fucked up that is?" I begged of him several times. I didnt sleep. I kept tossing and from time to time he would ask what was wrong. I would just cry. At one point I was positive I had to throw up. He asked, somewhere in there, if it was anger. I said no. that it wasnt but... there was a significant amount of pain. I couldnt explain it. Am I sad cus he wants to be in Charlotte more than he wants to try with me? Am I sad, really, because I got exactly what I asked for. Did I make a mistake?That feeling. That aweful feeling. I had to deal with it all day at work. Go figure the first day they have 8 hours for me and I can barely function. That feeling. Like a throbbing pain, gnawing at every fiber of me. How will I pay the mortgage? Will I ever find someone? What are my parents going to think? It's funny, cause on the way home last nite, I was fantasizing about dating again. But when you are faced with the reality of starting over. I cant bare it. And to see him everyday for the next 3 weeks? I can't even start to heal. Why do I care so much about someone who has hurt me so many times. Why is my head so fuzzy, when this is what I have had my mind set on for months. Im just so scared. It is going to be very lonely for me. Most of the people I call my 'friends' are his friends or his friends wives. Once he and them are gone I will have noone but my family, and my family are not very supportive people. I can't stop crying. Even as I write this. Why did he do those things to me? Why couldn't he just step up and be the husband he could have been. Now he will be that husband for someone else. He used me to learn all those lessons. And I am left scarred. There is one song that keeps me a little more sane right now. Anna Nalik's "in the rough" You say you fell while holding diamonds in your hands"It's your fault for running, holding diamonds," I saidAnd I offer no sympathy for thatI hear that it was you who died aloneAnd I offer no sympathy for thatBetter off I sparkle on my ownAnd someday love will find me in the roughSomeday love will finally be enoughI turned around 3 times and wound up at your doorNow you say you know all you did not know beforeAnd I offer no sympathy for thatI hear that it was you who died aloneAnd I offer no sympathy for thatBetter off I sparkle on my ownAnd someday love will find me in the roughSomeday love will finally be enoughI got your love lettersI threw them all awayAnd I hear you think that I'm crazyI'm driving 95And I'm driving you awayAnd I shine a little more latelySomeday love will find me in the roughSomeday love will finally be enoughSomeday love will find me in the roughSomeday love will finally be enoughI shine a little more latelyI hope I can feel like that in a month. Thanks to anyone who read this. I will be back on soon. Right now, I cant deal. I think it's a wallowing kinda time. I need my bunny and my rum and Gilmore Girls. No, right now I need to go find another job. Pray for me. Please.
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Look here, girlie, love is a complicated thing, and even when we say we don\'t \'feel it\' anymore, our heart tells a different story. I know it\'s hard, but you have to move on... perhaps like you said before, you got married too young, and sometimes we hurt the ones we love the most because they let us hurt them. Does that make sense? I think so. He\'s probably hurting too, and is scared too, just like you, but for some stupid reason, men are raised to keep it all inside and not tell anyone what they feel, which leads to all sorts of problems with us emotional women, who state our feelings and want to \'share\'. All i can say is that i\'m here for you as you move through this. But for your own sanity, come to peace with yourself. Much hugs and kisses for you. Deb :0)
Oh dear! I\'m so sorry! I can understand the pain. I don\'t know what to say. I\'ve been so up and down for so long. Do you think that maybe you can heal this? I don\'t know about my own life, let alone yours. You still have 3 weeks to feel your way, right? Divorce is always painful but so is marriage! Everything you say, makes perfect sense to me. I\'ve had all of those thoughts myself. So much hurt. I\'m here if you need to talk. You\'re young. You\'re gonna be alright, whatever happens. Maybe, if you think of your dreams... what\'s the best thing that can happen to you... you\'ll know what to do. If you know what you really want, then the faith and courage to get it is what you need to find. Does that make sense? The best case scenerio. This is so hard... Big hugs. Hang in there, it WILL get better!!!
Sorry sweetie, didn\'t know all that is going on...will be here for U