Careful. Its a little explicit. no virgin eyes. And very long. skimming may be best.Oy Vey. This was a heck of a weekend.It started well enough. Friday had fun with friends here on DS. Thank you, you crazy ladies. Hubby got home around 9:30. we ate dinner and watched tv. andthen proceeded into the bedroom. Thats a good thing. Beofre he left 4 charlotte we never did it... And now its almost regular.Saturday we slept in. It felt awesome. just worked out and met friends for dinner. His best friend and his wife. they are good people. Just had a baby. And booked a cruise. I am so jealous. We got there early so we sat in the car for a while. I was kinda curious about a girl he knew before we got married. I swear this crap just pops into my mind at the worst possible times. Her name was bridget. She was a friedns little sister. Before we got married he worked on her car. He came to me that nite. I offered him dinner he said he picked up a burger on his way, but he had to confess something to me. "she tried to kiss me," he says. I say. "whatever..." It didnt seem lke a big deal. Young girls try to kiss boys all the time.  I think I thanked him for tellin me and said as long as he didnt kiss her back I dont really care.  She called him while we were on our honeymoon. Months after we were married I found out it was a more make-out kinda kiss and it was followed by a lovely dinner at bennigans. Hmm. He lied. Ok. just add it to the list. Why did she come to my mind? I dunno. She just did. And I asked him, while we sat in the car, if he had seen or heard from her. He got all defensive and I hate it when he does that. I got snotty and said somthin like "well she was your girlfriend." He started yelling... "God-bless it, will ya knock it off?" I got mad.. of course and told him that I cant forgive him for all the things he did wrong. I cant move forward and start a new life with him. Unless he can tell me why. I want to know why he is moved to cheat, lie, etc. I wanna know why this time is gonna be different. How on earth do I move past it when I dont know what caused it? I think this is my problem. He doesnt even know why (so he says) he treated me like crap for the last 5 years. So how is he so sure he can change?Dinnner was aweful. As new parents do all they talked about was their new angel. I am happy for them, but I am green with envy, all the same. Everytime I said something it seemed to piss my husband off. I was being a snot. Telling embarassing facts. Such as he owns a Lindsay Lohan CD. I dunno why he was embarassed. He purchased it. He listens to it. And they are his friends. By the end of dinner he was all steamed. We went to a movie and he kept trying to put his hand on my leg. I dunno why but it bugged me. I think it was cus it was one of those movies with a lot of unnecessary nudity. I hate those. And it makes me think its just cus hes horny from the movie.went home... talked about plans for halloween decorating (big deal in our house) and then proceeded into the bedroom... again. This time it was aweful. He apparantly forgot I wasnt a size two and tried to like throw me on the bed... It ended with a 4 inch diameter bruise under my arm and it killed the mood completely. But as men do, he proceeded. It really hurt for some reason. After he was done I told him I was just feeling some extreme discomfort and wanted to stop. I will have to see a doctor, but whatever. I went into the living room and just started bawling in the dark.he came out, lookin for me. SAw me crying and asked what was up. I said I didn't wanna have the conversation then. He said what conversation. And I told him I really wanted a divorce. I said it is just starting to bug me, not knowing what really happened beteen him and all these women he was basically 'dating'. He has lied about everything, yet swears he never slept with anyone besides me. I cant believe that. Also, he never got the number for the marriage counselor he wanted to make an appointment with. So to me, it seemed like he felt everything was fine. It isnt. I kept going about how I just cant keep pressing 'reset' on our marriage and I can't get over the past and moving on is impossible. I told him I want kids. Now. and I dont trust him enuf, so let me start over with a new man who has never hurt me. I told him, unless he could make the last 5 years go away, I was scard. I was gonna think about it all and resent him for the reast of my life. I already do. I wanted a Volvo so bad and money was good, so I thought I was getting one this year til I found out about all his debt. Everytime I see a volvo on the road I wanna smack him for takin it away from me. After I yelled at him he said, Ok. Lets go over a couple things tomorrow and let me make some calls and I will start moving out. I was thrilled, yet upset. I just wanted to throw up.Here is where it gets wierd. He asks if he can sleep in the bed with me. I say fine. Whatever. but as far as I am concerned we are separated. He snuggles me all nite. Rubs my back. Plays with my hair. In 7 1/2 yrs together he has never played with my hair. Sunday comes, slept in again. I got up, made myself waffles. He followed me into the kitchen and made cereal. I went out for the paper. He put on the tv. Noone is speaking. all morning is silent. He is staring at me. We both spent most the day on the couch. I was thinking. A lot. I said to myself "ok if he asks me to go to marriage counseling again I will." He didn't. He did howver come over and give me a foot rub. Then a backrub... then hugged me. Kissing me everywhere. Talking in a baby voice. I started feeling bad, but this is his game. Make me fall for him again and then he lies. So I ask him "What things did you wanna iron out about divorcing?" he started listing things.. You can have the house, just let me visit the cats, I will pay half of your debt, etc etc. Then he snuggles me again. So this is weird to me. Its like. he is agreeing to leave. He has even thought about all of this in advance. Yet, he still feels a need to snuggle and kiss and everything is fine. So what now? I guess if I have to I will pack up and stay at my parents till he goes, but that seems unneccesary. He said he would leave. He even told me he is thinkin of going back to Charlotte. And I understand we should be civil at least thru the proceedings... but nuzzling? Back rubs? how come? what does it mean? I am really confused right now. I got home from work and all of his stuff is still here. I spose I will find out soon enuf.