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An addict will need something when they are addicted to it. Someone who is curious or used to be addicted will feel the "want" for the said activity. The classic "I want" vs "I need" argument.
I don't need SI, but I want it. I'm tired of always having to be strong and hold everyone up. I've fallen to my knees and can't stand any longer. I'm breaking and falling apart. I know how to stand up and rise, work through things and endure through it, but I'm tired of always having too. People fall off of the wagon all the time. Everyone encourages them to get back on and start over.
It's time that I do that. I don't need to do it, but I want to. It's almost hypocritical that I have to always be the strong one that fights. Now is my time of darkness, my time of despair and failure to thrive. I'm falling to my knees and I'm not going to rise like the soulness knight I've been forged to become.
I don't need SI, but I want it. I'm tired of always having to be strong and hold everyone up. I've fallen to my knees and can't stand any longer. I'm breaking and falling apart. I know how to stand up and rise, work through things and endure through it, but I'm tired of always having too. People fall off of the wagon all the time. Everyone encourages them to get back on and start over.
It's time that I do that. I don't need to do it, but I want to. It's almost hypocritical that I have to always be the strong one that fights. Now is my time of darkness, my time of despair and failure to thrive. I'm falling to my knees and I'm not going to rise like the soulness knight I've been forged to become.
Replies
If it were me, if I was always held up to the perfect position of always being strong and holding up everyone, with zero room to be just human, I\'d think SI, at least, would be the way to go.
Similarly, if I gave into my parent\'s long-running and lethal influence they exert on me to be what they want me to be, I would think about SI too. I did in fact went the step further. I contemplated suicide. Just ending it all. I thought this was the only way out.
Fortunately, from goodness\' grace, with hospitalization and the help of 1 year+ of constant anti-depressants, I dug myself got out of the abysmal, debilitating headspace I was in and figured the simple fact that I deserved better than suicide. I figured out that I may never be able to change my parents, never be able to rewrite the usually sacred story of how I was brought to this Earth, but I can change my own reaction to them. I will admit, I did commit a kind of violence towards them that is short of physical, but just short. But that was what it took for me in my situation to completely change my reaction towards their abusive, devilish influence (see my first post: Blood vs. Loyalty, if interested). And I didn\'t hesitate to do this violence, because I finally understood I deserved better...
Outside influence does NOT determine the individual, does NOT win by default.
What I want to say is, if you are fortunate enough to have the opportunity to change your reaction to your suffocating environment, even if it\'s a sliver of a chance, please do. You don\'t deserve this pressure. You don\'t deserve SI. Do whatever it takes, because you can, because you deserve it. I say this with all the love I\'ve been lucky enough to muster up again for another human being, for you...
Do whatever it takes, Incognita. Please...
I\'ve always been one to fight tooth and claw to better myself and not give into my SI urges. The night I wrote this I just had a complete emotional breakdown and simply couldn\'t take having to pick myself up anymore. I always have to take charge and fix things, and the night I wrote this I simply couldn\'t do it anymore.
So I did what I did and acknowledged that I was a flawed human but it\'s okay to have flaws because we don\'t have to be perfect. In some ways I resent others because they slip up all the time and do much worse SI than I ever would yet people would just coddle them. I\'m used to being punished for whenever I slip up which is where my resentment comes from.
I greatly appreciate you taking the time to write what you have. I know that life is a struggle and we just have to keep fighting to move forward. I just really have a hard time with acknowledging I can\'t be strong or learning/allowing myself to rely on others. I didn\'t do anything severe or lethal that night, and everything is healed up already (I won\'t hide what was done so if I\'m asked about it I will talk).
But more importantly, I want to thank you for expressing that you are concerned about me an that you care about my well being. It means a lot.
You\'re very welcome, Incognita. I was actually taken aback by how hurt I felt reading what you\'re going through...I\'ve been off of meds for only 6 months and having real feelings, positive and negative, has become something I\'d have to relearn and slowly accept, similar to your struggle with human weakness. And, as it turns out, you\'re one of the few people that I\'ve grown to care about...
I wish you better days ahead, Incognita...
When you mean \"...everything is healed up already...\", you mean you did SI prior to your breakdown?
I didn\'t mean to make you feel pain by reading what I wrote. I appologize that it did, but in some ways I am glad that you can relate to what I am going through. I\'m used to being alone in my struggles, so it is comforting knowing that I really am not alone.
The night I wrote this entry was when I had the breakdown. I wrote here then went and did my SI. I haven\'t actively SI\'d for years. I occasionally have a slip up every couple of years. So what I did on the 15th is gone.
I don\'t and never mean to dictate your decisions, but if another person\'s feelings can influence you not doing SI in the future, please consider mines. I want to be there for you to prevent future episodes, anyway I can.
My feelings are there, for better or for worse...
I know. You and others have spoken up and encouraging me not to go down the SI path. It\'s not something I want to welcome back into my daily life. I see this incident as one of the rare times I just lost it and snapped. I was super emotionally charged and overwhelmed that night. I just needed an escape and since I\'m such a loner with that stuff I chose an old vice.
I know I need to work on my emotional regulation and stress management. In the end I can only rely on myself. No one can live my life for me.
I don\'t see you trying to dictate my actions, so don\'t worry about that. I do keep others reactions in mind, thus why I couldn\'t go through with suicide whenever it roasted my mind. I know my time isn\'t now.
If it happens again (overwhelmed and emotionally just losing it) I\'ll try to communicate it to you and others better.
That\'s good to hear...You can rely on me.