Here We Go...
So, I guess I'm starting now to track the IVF part of my IF journey as it unfolds. I would be lying if I said I wasn't scared to death. Pills and shots and blood and tests. Money, money, money out the door to hurry up and wait for something long hoped for, and always denied. We went for our consult on the 28th, and the time since AF finally arrived (today) to get the ball rolling has seemed like an eternity. The next two months are going to be excruciating - I hate waiting.
So far, AF arrived this morning, called the clinic. Clinic called back - Tuesday I have to have more blood work and a urine test. Start on BCPs. Call back Wednesday for results. Send application to ATTAIN with those results.
During the next month, I have to get DH to have a blood test, schedule my class for injectibles, and keep my sanity while I try to prepare for the following month, which will be the real marathon.
Thoughts and feelings: Overwhelmed. Worried as f**k that I'll miss a day, or screw something up...eat something wrong, lack a vitamin. Something stupid that will ruin everything. That tends to be my MO (neglect something or get distracted and one little detail ruins the whole shebang), but this is so important - I don't want to make any mistakes. I'm always the person that wants to have a backup just in case. This is the last basket, the only one to put all our eggs in (HA! pun!) and that scares the hell out of me. There are so many points on this road that can fail - eggs, fertilization, growth, implantation. If it doesn't work, I don't know what I'll do. After everything we've been through, I'm scared as hell to hope. In every situation in life, I've found that if I talk up something I'm excited about, it always, always either doesn't happen or turns to shit. If I don't say anything, it goes well...sometimes. It's such an investment of time, money, faith, medicine, commitment...I suppose parenting is the same, but most people don't have to contribute all that up front.
So, basically, I'm a hopeful/fearful casserole that's settling like a brick in my stomach. I'm not a courageous person by nature - I usually just ride things out or avoid something uncomfortable altogether if I can help it. But I'm jumping headfirst into the tempest on this one. God help me!
So far, AF arrived this morning, called the clinic. Clinic called back - Tuesday I have to have more blood work and a urine test. Start on BCPs. Call back Wednesday for results. Send application to ATTAIN with those results.
During the next month, I have to get DH to have a blood test, schedule my class for injectibles, and keep my sanity while I try to prepare for the following month, which will be the real marathon.
Thoughts and feelings: Overwhelmed. Worried as f**k that I'll miss a day, or screw something up...eat something wrong, lack a vitamin. Something stupid that will ruin everything. That tends to be my MO (neglect something or get distracted and one little detail ruins the whole shebang), but this is so important - I don't want to make any mistakes. I'm always the person that wants to have a backup just in case. This is the last basket, the only one to put all our eggs in (HA! pun!) and that scares the hell out of me. There are so many points on this road that can fail - eggs, fertilization, growth, implantation. If it doesn't work, I don't know what I'll do. After everything we've been through, I'm scared as hell to hope. In every situation in life, I've found that if I talk up something I'm excited about, it always, always either doesn't happen or turns to shit. If I don't say anything, it goes well...sometimes. It's such an investment of time, money, faith, medicine, commitment...I suppose parenting is the same, but most people don't have to contribute all that up front.
So, basically, I'm a hopeful/fearful casserole that's settling like a brick in my stomach. I'm not a courageous person by nature - I usually just ride things out or avoid something uncomfortable altogether if I can help it. But I'm jumping headfirst into the tempest on this one. God help me!
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