Its the third day since I started trying to pull it together again; it hasnt been too successful so far. I mean yes I have been waking up for Fajr and going to sleep on time at nights but thats about it. I still am not doing the amount of reading or exercise or work that I need to be doing. I still feel tired and sleepy most of the day and I just want to lounge around or sit on my ass staring at the computer. Basically I want to do anything but work, just anything so long as its not productive or useful. I need to stop this and pull myself together.
I talked to my father about wanting to go back yesterday; it didnt go too well he told me to go fuck myself and that he wouldnt let me go back till december or january. I dont know what he aims to accomplish with this but I guess somewhere in his mind he still thinks keeping me locked up will fix me. He's only delaying the inevitable, I have found in my time that once you accept fate your hardships become easier. It is easier to live once you have accepted your mortality, the futility of trying to fight your fate and who you are, once you accept all that it is only then that you can move on, move on to a somewhat normal existence, you do your best to survive to not let people see who you are to not get hurt just move from day to day trying to not die out.