A hurt, distraught beauty who I once came across in my travels said to me"do you wanna know love?my roommates boyfriend is the most loving boyfriend I have ever seen in my life. He treats her like shes this precious precious china doll and loves her so much that you can feel it radiating out of him, listening to every stupid whim of hers justifying it with "anything that makes her happy." hes the nicest, kindest guy I've ever known and shes lucky to have him. She said the man she had once loved took pleasure in pointing out her flaws that he made her feel small and it hurt, she reminded me of well... MEI was that guy; the kind who makes fun of his woman, belittles her, treats her like shit but I cant be that guy anymore something has changed something some part of me has broken inside. As that girl talked on, my mind began to wander as it so often does; I began falling into a daze, I could see her face changing, her voice going quieter her R's turning into AA's. As I looked on she began to transform, she was no longer a stranger, she had become the ghost of my past back to haunt me. Her words cut into me like a knife; a dull, blunt knife stabbing my chest, tearing my flesh going through the ribs until it reached my dead heart. I wanted to do something, say something anything, I wanted to tell her how sorry I was I wanted to squeeze her hand tell her everything was going to be okay. I wanted to set myself on fire, no not just myself, I wanted to set myself and everyone like me on fire. We never deserved our girls, none of us jerk offs did. God only knows why they were with us, what they saw in us. I make no assertion about anyone else but I sure as hell never deserved any of it.
I wasn't always like this, this cold heartless asshole, I don't know how I became this way but I believe it was a process of trial and error, over a long period of instability of thought and actions colliding with one another. One long never ending nightmare that sucked the life out of me and all those around me.
I have come such a long way, I have walked this path for too long, been an asshole so long that I remember nothing but how to shit on everything. I lost my way somewhere along the road and now shes gone, shes gone and I wont ever find her. I am like Sassi from that epic love story lost in the thul desert; burning under the scorching sun, wandering aimlessly calling out her beloveds name until she collapses from thirst. As the crows and vultures come to feast on her dying body the yearning for her beloved is very much alive in sassi and she tells  them : "o crows eat my entire body ripe away every inch of my flesh, leave only my two eyes I beg of thee for they still hope to see the beloved a last time".
There is no happy ending to my story; its too late for me but there are others who still stand a fighting chance. There is hope and goodness yet to be found in this cruel world. I hope to bring others together, I want to be like the moon on a star spangled midsummer nights; watching over young love, shining my light to illuminate the way for distanced lovers, helping them find each other again. Uniting other but with no partner for myself; finding solace and comfort in the joy of others, giving them hope making them believe in fairy tales once more.
This entry is dedicated to that distraught beauty; if you ever read this I hope it hurts, I hope it makes you cry like your sadness made me but I also hope that this gives you hope and makes you believe in love and in the man you love. I wish you nothing but happiness and unending joy be well my friend where ever you are