Here we go again

I know nobody gives much of a shit or ever reads my blog but on the off chance that one of you actually do stumble onto this blog and actually bother to read it all the way to the end because you dont have a life or anything better to do with their time than read my sad soppy blog. Please know that I love Sara to bits please dont cuss her I wont stand for it
Right so I get back from my 5 days in the middle of nowhere and i get an email from sara it reads
"i dont think we should talk anymore"
and then radio silence. Its a good thing I deleted her number before going or I would be calling her like insane right now trying to find out what i did wrong nagging begging pleading and pissing her off even more. 
So i just sent a really long well crafted mail well not that long but it took me a while to get everything i was trying to say across as efficiently as possible. So anyways I mailed her basically pitching to her why we "should" continue to talk and how I will respect her decision and leave her alone if she chooses she still doesnt wanna talk.
Sigh back to square one I guess Im praying so hard that she likes my pitch I dont wanna go back to not talking. Its so hard to stop talking to her, its alot like quitting heroin again never gets any easier and each time you quit the withdrawals are just as bad if not worse as the first time.
I had so many ideas, so many plans, so many stories to tell. I was thinking of starting my own business I wanted to ask her to be a sleeping partner in my business, the entire trip I thought about it working out the details the logistics the time frame cooking up data making projections for future profits. I had everything worked out; I even spoke to my mother about permission to do it obviously I didnt tell her I planned to have sara as part of it but I told her  my general plan and asked for her blessing.
This is bad this is like really really bad I am over excited and sick with flu and a sore throat under rested with tons of work piled up and an upcoming exam to study for. 
Goddammit I need to stop refreshing my gmail waiting for her to write to me, I need to get a grip on myself shendy you cant mail her buddy you cant you cant no matter what you cant mail her just hand in there the urge will pass.
God her pc is busted so I guess she hasnt checked her mail yet I wonder when she'll check it, what she'll say or whether if she'll even bother to reply. Sigh 
I wish I wasnt so weird I wish so bad I was normal like all the other people. I wish I hadnt thrown away my life and the shot we had at a future. I wish I wish I wish....
I think I am gonna cut myself again tonight I cant take this anymore its driving me insane.
James Frey wrote
“If there was a God. I would spit in his face for subjecting me to this. If there was a Devil, I would sell my sould to make it end. If there was something Higher that controlled out f***ing fates, I would tell it to take my fate and shove it up its fucking ass. Shove it hard and far, you motherf***er. Please end. Please end. Please end.”
 
Oh she mailed she mailed :D
oh this is bad its a sort of its not you its me kind of reply. Says she is in a weird place right now trying to be a better person and redeem herself for her past sins. says she sinned the most around me and still having me in her life and my trying to be friends with her defeats the purpose of her trying to redeem herself.
Well it is true I did make her do alot of bad things I was a very bad influence I did ruin her life. I cant change that that is just a fact. but I have changed or atleast I think I have all those things she did because of me were because there is great potential for evil in me and I bring out the worst in people. but I have that evil under control for now I wont let it harm her.
I said we could define and set boundaries that put me well outside the friend zone that we could go on our journeys of redemption together helping each other along the way.
I wanna kill myself right now, I dont think we will ever get past the things I did in the past. My past will always be my burden and follow me where ever I go like a shadow. It will haunt me forever.
Oh god in heaven please have mercy on me, dont put me through the misery and torture of having to stop talking to her again please put mercy in her heart. If ever I did a good deed If ever I did something that pleased you I implore you for the sake of that deed dont do this to me please.
It took me a year to put together the pieces of my life, I dont think I have it in me to put myself back together again dont let me shatter again I dont have it in me to put myself together again if I break once more oh god please dont let me break again. For if i break now i will break into a million little pieces. If i break now I cannot be fixed, for I will be broken beyond repair broken into a million little pieces.
Regardless of what she decides as James Frey aptly said
“That was beautiful.She is holding my hand.No, it wasn't.If she let go, I would fall apart.It was. It was beautiful because it was honest and it was beautiful because it hurt and it was beautiful because you didn't have to tell it to me. Fall apart.It makes me feel like shit.”
Oh my love, my sweet sweet love how I yearn to tell you how I feel how I have felt
“When I see you, the World stops. It stops and all that exists for me is you and my eyes staring at you. There's nothing else. No noise, no other people, no thoughts or worries, no yesterday, no tomorrow. The World just stops, and it is a beautiful place, and there is only you.”~ James Frey
“The first time I saw you, my heart fell. The second time I saw you, my heart fell. The third time fourth time fifth time and every time since, my heart has fallen.I stared at her.You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. Your hair, your eyes, your lips, your body that you haven't grown into, the way you walk, smile, laugh, the way your cheeks drop when you're mad or upset, the way you drag your feet when you're tired. Every single thing about you is beautiful.I stared at her.When I see you the World stops. It stops and all that exists for me is you and my eyes staring at you. There's nothing else. No noise, no other people, no thoughts or worries, no yesterday, no tomorrow. The World just stops and it is a beautiful place and there is only you. Just you, and my eyes staring at you.I stared.When you're gone, the World starts again, and I don't like it as much. I can live in it, but I don't like it. I just walk around in it and wait to see you again and wait for it to stop again. I love it when it stops. It's the best fucking thing I've ever known or ever felt, the best thing, and that, beautiful Girl, is why I stare at you.~ James Frey
Oh god she hasnt replied to my mail yet and its driving me insane. I have blogged as long as I could, I have nothing further to add nothing of interest or otherwise and blogging hasnt worked I think I am gonna go cut myself now....