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Sometimes I feel like I cannot have good days.  I feel like if I have one good day nobody will believe in my bad days. The meaning of bad days has changed so much for me. I feel much more in control of my life and my emotions than the last time things got really terrible for me. Now I have things in my life to feel good about. Things in my life to feel proud of myself for. And I do have good days. I have great days at work, I have a wonderful girlfriend, a nice apartment. I am pretty secure. I'll be able to go back to university in January.  And in general I am happy with my life. I feel grateful for everything I have; I will have these moment where I think this is the life I dreamed of having when I was a sad teenager. When I have bad days no longer feel hopeless for the future or like I hate everything about myself. I feel like because things aren't as bad as they once were, I cannot complain. I should not be in therapy unless I as depressed as I once was. I feel like however bad I feel is not bad enough and that all my good days should erase any negative thoughts. I feel that because negative thoughts do not overpower me, I should be able to just say, "Forget about it! Everything is great, so just be happy all the time. You're fine."  And for a while I think I was able to do that. But I don't know if it was real. And I wonder if sometimes I'm afraid to actually be happy. That might be part of the reason I always leave therapy.  I don't know who I would be or what I would do if I didn't have my problems to think about and to lean on.  I think I've been truly happy before but I don't know. 
I also feel like cutting allows me to stop worrying. I know it isn't in a healthy way. By making it the most important thing in my life, the thing I think about the most, it is easy to forget other things. If there's a problem at work or something, it's no big deal cause I have more important things to think about! I get to think about what really matters to me and that's the books about cutting I'm going to secretly read at the library later. It makes it feel like nothing else is really a big deal cause there's always an answer. I know how to find instant satisfaction if I really need to. 
It's so easy for me to recommend other people get help for their problems and not be ashamed about it but I wish I could take that advice. It was my choice to go to therapy and I'm feeling really good about it but if anyone knew what I was talking about I would feel embarrassed. I hate when anybody knows that I do need help and I wish I could believe what I'm always telling other people.