We spoke and together decided that I will go alone on Mondaymorning to take care of some important business for my mom. He said he cannot go with because he is busy, it's ok if I have to do this, I must go.
 
I felt awkward, like I was doing something wrong! But I was merely going to buy my mother's groceries nd take care of her municipal accounts.
So I stayed at home, to give him another day to be ok with this. Then I asked again. He said its fine I can go. So tuesday morning I get ready, and wait for him to wake before I leave. But he doesn't. So two hours later I go into the room, sit on the bed and try to wake him gently. He turns his back on me.
 
I get overwhelmed with emotion, suddenly I wish my dad was here to buy my moms food, I wish I didn't have to go and have the accounts changed from my dads name to my mom's. I wish I didn't have my daddy's death certificate in my bag. So I cry....
And I can't stop! I cry and scream and ask why can't my husband just be ok with me doing this. I feel so sad, I don't want to feel afraid too. I don't want to feel dirty and terrible just because I am doing something I must do. I lift my hands while crying and in frustration hit down on the bed, on his legs. 
He flies up in a rage and starts beating me with his leather belt. Repeatedly. I beg him to stop. I just keep crying.
Eventually he stops. I have wet my pants. I shower, change my clothes and drive to the supermarket. Buy my moms food, drive to her house and she hugs me says thank you. She had nothing to eat since Sunday.
I don't tell her what I had to go through to bring her her food.
He says he is sorry. He hasn't hit me since 2002. I am numb. Blue and purple and humiliated and numb. What will happen on Saturday when I want to go wash my mom's hair. 
I am numb....