Not sure where to put this so I decided my journal was as good as anywhere.....
I have started to come out, but now I am feeling confused again. I am definitely Bisexual, but I don't know where to go from here? I am married to a wonderful woman, we have 2 kids together. I am not the type to go behind her back and have an affair. But, I would like to explore my newly accepted sexuality.
Meaning I would like to explore a side of myself that has been denied for so long. I feel like it is something I missed out on, and possibly would have affected my decision to get married in the first place.
Don't get me wrong, I am in love with my wife. I just feel like I didn't have all the choices laid out before I made a decision, like I got cheated out of something.
This is partly based on sex, or the act of making love. I have never had sex with a man, only with women. I find the person matters not the gender but, who knows?
There are times when "women" irritate me, I work out of a salon, but I don't do hair. Sometimes the estrogen gets a little thick in the air so to speak. Need male contact for sanity. I don't get to hang out with my male friends as often as I would like, mostly work schedules. My wife doesn't control my ability to go out, I just feel guilty because we (My wife and I) don't get "date night" either. We have opposite work schedules and don't have a day off together. We are both self employed, and work longer hours to make ends meet, so going out after work doesn't work either.
We have our relationship issues, who doesn't. I just hate feeling so trapped all the time. My business isn't taking off as well as I had hoped and not doing much if anything to contribute to "the houshold" financially. She makes enough to keep us afloat, I know she stresses alot, which makes me feel worse. Which is another reason I am having trouble coming out to her. I don't want to add stress by telling her.
To top it off her Mother will be in town later this week, and staying with us for a couple of weeks. Sounds worse than it is, we get along just fine. Just the added stress of a house guest.
Sometimes I just wanna crawl in a hole, and hide till it all blows over.
The problem with getting sleep sometimes (I slept 10 hrs last night, I haven't been getting much lately 8hrs in the previous 3 nights) is my brain starts to work again, thinking, thinking, thinking, it won't shut off.
I guess my confusion changed from my sexuality to where I fit into my relationship. I wish I would have accepted this years ago, like in HS!
I have started to come out, but now I am feeling confused again. I am definitely Bisexual, but I don't know where to go from here? I am married to a wonderful woman, we have 2 kids together. I am not the type to go behind her back and have an affair. But, I would like to explore my newly accepted sexuality.
Meaning I would like to explore a side of myself that has been denied for so long. I feel like it is something I missed out on, and possibly would have affected my decision to get married in the first place.
Don't get me wrong, I am in love with my wife. I just feel like I didn't have all the choices laid out before I made a decision, like I got cheated out of something.
This is partly based on sex, or the act of making love. I have never had sex with a man, only with women. I find the person matters not the gender but, who knows?
There are times when "women" irritate me, I work out of a salon, but I don't do hair. Sometimes the estrogen gets a little thick in the air so to speak. Need male contact for sanity. I don't get to hang out with my male friends as often as I would like, mostly work schedules. My wife doesn't control my ability to go out, I just feel guilty because we (My wife and I) don't get "date night" either. We have opposite work schedules and don't have a day off together. We are both self employed, and work longer hours to make ends meet, so going out after work doesn't work either.
We have our relationship issues, who doesn't. I just hate feeling so trapped all the time. My business isn't taking off as well as I had hoped and not doing much if anything to contribute to "the houshold" financially. She makes enough to keep us afloat, I know she stresses alot, which makes me feel worse. Which is another reason I am having trouble coming out to her. I don't want to add stress by telling her.
To top it off her Mother will be in town later this week, and staying with us for a couple of weeks. Sounds worse than it is, we get along just fine. Just the added stress of a house guest.
Sometimes I just wanna crawl in a hole, and hide till it all blows over.
The problem with getting sleep sometimes (I slept 10 hrs last night, I haven't been getting much lately 8hrs in the previous 3 nights) is my brain starts to work again, thinking, thinking, thinking, it won't shut off.
I guess my confusion changed from my sexuality to where I fit into my relationship. I wish I would have accepted this years ago, like in HS!
Replies
You certainly like exclamation points :-). I wish I had answers for you. Iwas to afraid of rejection in high school to act on it. In college when I wanted to be myself and would end up making out and stoping it. I would always weasel out with a lie. The truth is I didn\'t now if I could handle things socially, I didn\'t know if I could handle a backlash from family and friends. Considering the women I found myself with were also close friends. If I were going to be with them I felt it unfair to expect them to hide it too. I didn\'t want to lose the friendship.
I always thought that it didn\'t matter, I picked a male partner no need to worry about it anymore. Now I find myself in a world of regret, much like you.
Where your wife is concerned, you are dealing with two things here. 1. Letting her know all of who you are which is IMO important in a relationship.
2. Where to go from here...
When I told my husband I let it sink in a long time and gave us both time to get used to it. It wasn\'t until things got into a groove before I started feelin his boundaries out. We are still both unsure about an open relationship situation. For two big reasons, we barely have time to spend together and work on our relationship. Next our two kids: even though we would keep it separate from the kids, they are intuitive and hear/see more than we think they do. If they ever found out it would be confusing and scary for them.
So we have decided to let it lie. I still find myself with regret and desire but that just has to be the way it is. It gets me down sometimes...
If you think your wife will take it well tell her before MIL comes, if not wait.
BTW I hate salons for those very reasons. Just \"@&$) cut my hair and make it simple so I can get out of there and not come back for a long)($&&@; time. All that superficial banter, ugh. I cannot stand it.
This is a challenging and difficult time for you, but just the fact that you took the first big step to tell your best freind means you are ready to start coming out.
You owe it to yourself, not to anyone else. You would not be cheating your wife, you are already cheating yourself.
Don\'t worry about time lost. This happened to me too. Burry it and forget about it. Remember that \'Today is the first day of the rest of your life\'.
Your wife will find out sooner or later. The more you wait to tell her the worst her reaction may be. If you both end up separating, make sure it is a freindly separation.
It is hard that you have not done it. For me I was in the same position as you. I did not enjoy sex until I tried it the third time.
It took me a year and 3 months to fully be out. So far no public rejections and my friends sow their freindship and love even more now becuase I was sincere to them about who I really was.
I wish I was there for you, but I am sure your friends will hold your hand when things get tough.
When you have too much in your mind, just go the the gym, swim, run or do sports to clear bad thoughs.
Good luck. Big hug!
I am proud of you friend!