wow.

it's been awhile since i've been on here.. i've pretty much disconnected with the outside world, except school, which i am being forced to go to.. i really hate it.. i've missed 15 days thus far.. i just don't have the strength to get up and face the people.. the teachers.. anything..
i started a job, it's fun.. i enjoy it.. which is surpising since i work with the public.. but everyone is so nice, and they don't ask much of me. i feel like this is a good oppertunity for me..
i'm thinking of enrolling in homebound schooling if they will let me.. i really hope they do.. i mean my grades are good.. i just can't deal with the anxiety public school brings upon me..
i'm working on my ED, and i haven't B/P for 1 week.. but that's mostly because i have blisters in my throat and they hurt so so so bad.. however i have been restricting more.. which isn't good.. i've lost quite a bit of weight since last week.. (5lbs to be exact) i'm not really sure.. i know Jennifer is ok with my restricting as long as i'm not purging..but is it ok to substitute one ED with another? i don't know.. i just want to stop all of this.. i'm spiraling downward and i just can't do it.. i want to get better, but i don't ... i want to be happy and healthy, but then there is a part of me who IS this disorder.. and i don't want to let that part go.. no matter how bad it is for me.. i can't get rid of the voices.. any of them.. the ones that tell me i'm fat, and to puke it up, and that he'll love you if you do this or that.. i know it's all lies.. but i believe every single word said..