I'm not sure how much longer I can do this for before I, at the very least, fuck things up permanently.
If I don't kill myself, I know my life is only going to get worse because I can't pull myself together.
I'll end up doing what I always do... only this time it matters so much more.
 
How hard would it be to disappear at this age? Would I even be happier if I ran?
Everything hurts so so much.
All of it is slowly killing me.
 
I have started wanting to hurt him again. It comes back - what he did, how I was so nice to him about it for so long, everything I should have done and should have said and now he's happy and free and starting a family, and I'm here, failing, caged and hurting for people I can't be with. 
He ruined my life for me. It's so hard to keep reminding myself why I want to stay on this planet anymore, why I shouldn't cut myself to ribbons. 
Every day I keep having to stop myself from crying in front of people... and it's getting harder. I burst into tears while out with my parents yesterday, and nearly cried in front of my whole family today. 
It's just too hard. I just wish Christmas made it better. I need my sister here with me. I need friends who really care about me... I need the one I love, and I need the ones I miss. I just don't want to hurt and I do. So fucking much. I really don't know if I will last in this life, and that makes me sad because I know my life was full of potential when it started and it has been robbed from me.  
A growing part of me would like to die. I love my family dearly, so I couldn't do that to them. But is that not better for them? Than watching me live a life so sad?
There's a chance that I can be happy one day, but not now, clearly, and I think I hope I last that long. I don't know. 
Everything just hurts right now and I don't know how I'm going to cope. I don't think I am. Not one bit.