Josh

So I broke down crying yesterday to my ex boyfriend Josh's best friend Alex. But he's also my friend. He told Josh I was still crying over our breakup. It's been over 3 months now. And he's all I think about. Everything reminds me of him. I take Zoloft which a side effect is nightmares. I have nightmares about my ex Mohammed who raped me. So they put me melatonin to stop them. But now I dream josh and me get back together. And I'm happy beyond belief. Then when I wake up and realize it was a dream I get really depressed.:/ it's not that I want to just be with someone. Ive had like 20 boyfriends since we broke up. I hoped to get over him. It didn't work. I never cared to even talk to them. I only want him and he wants nothing to do with me. I'd do anything to make him happy. He's hurt me so much. I feel like every word out of his mouth is a lie. He lies to me so much when we were together. And he's so blunt. I'm willing to take the pain for him. I want him back. But I don't think that's what I want:/ I don't want to be mistreated. Alex said josh said he would talk to me soon about it. He probably won't because he never does anything he says but it makes me so nervous. I'm not ready to be turned down again. And I'd rather have the nightmares then have my heart ripped out every night. He's been over me for a Lon time:/ I'm so hurt and confused