Urgh, I wish the past two days I had checed bad, because I forgot how horrible horrible is! I guess that's one good thing about medications that have memory loss/amnesia as a side effect, you forget that your sick.
Today I decided that what hurts most about fibro, is its invisible. I can still smile, I don't get pale, I don't cough or sneeze or vomit... well, yea I do vomit, but still, theres not glowing sign that says don't touch, I'm sick.
It's ironic, because I always wanted to be invisible when I was in school, well not it's worse, and invisible girl with an invisible disease.
I'm not saying I want sympathy, no, I just want people to understand, IT"S NOT IN MY HEAD ITS ***NOT*** in my head. It's in my hands, it's in my feet, my arms, legs, back chest, hell it's EVERYWHERE. But noone can see it. It's not a mass, it doesn't show up on a blood test, but its real, and I have it.
I hold a job, I go to school, I try and pretend everything is fine but there is ALWAYS pain. Never goes away, hasn't sence I was what... the mid 90's I think. Well, unless this new pills work wonders, my charade is over. I will no longer be a kid who is handicapped but hiding it, to a woman who is handicapped. And the reason I don't want that is I don't want the pity that is associated. I'm a special ed teacher, or trying anyway, and I wouldn't want anyone to pity my students.
I tried to drive today, I couldn't even fucking drive. It's like I COULD but i couldn't. I believed everyone when they said your muscles aren't broken they still work. But they don't work. They function, but not properly, because they send these volts of pain back to my brain that says "STOP!" but my brain says, well if you wanna stop, quit "working."
I think of my Grandfather alot, and I think, he could walk, but he used a walker. Would I deny him that walker? No. Just because he COULD doesn't mean it was safe or healthy or helped his quality of life. He had a stroke, incase you wondered.
Today I decided that what hurts most about fibro, is its invisible. I can still smile, I don't get pale, I don't cough or sneeze or vomit... well, yea I do vomit, but still, theres not glowing sign that says don't touch, I'm sick.
It's ironic, because I always wanted to be invisible when I was in school, well not it's worse, and invisible girl with an invisible disease.
I'm not saying I want sympathy, no, I just want people to understand, IT"S NOT IN MY HEAD ITS ***NOT*** in my head. It's in my hands, it's in my feet, my arms, legs, back chest, hell it's EVERYWHERE. But noone can see it. It's not a mass, it doesn't show up on a blood test, but its real, and I have it.
I hold a job, I go to school, I try and pretend everything is fine but there is ALWAYS pain. Never goes away, hasn't sence I was what... the mid 90's I think. Well, unless this new pills work wonders, my charade is over. I will no longer be a kid who is handicapped but hiding it, to a woman who is handicapped. And the reason I don't want that is I don't want the pity that is associated. I'm a special ed teacher, or trying anyway, and I wouldn't want anyone to pity my students.
I tried to drive today, I couldn't even fucking drive. It's like I COULD but i couldn't. I believed everyone when they said your muscles aren't broken they still work. But they don't work. They function, but not properly, because they send these volts of pain back to my brain that says "STOP!" but my brain says, well if you wanna stop, quit "working."
I think of my Grandfather alot, and I think, he could walk, but he used a walker. Would I deny him that walker? No. Just because he COULD doesn't mean it was safe or healthy or helped his quality of life. He had a stroke, incase you wondered.
Replies
I sympathize with you. I too often find myself in pain doing something that I shouldn\'t be thinking \"why am I even doing this?\" \"Why can\'t I just stop.\" I also know exactly how you feel having an \"invisible\" illness. People just don\'t get it. They think, well you look just fine t me. All the while you are forcing a smile in pain just to stand up. More people need to be aware of what it is I think. If you said you had cancer to someone they would instantly smypathize for you. I don\'t want people to feel sorry for me just not to expect more than I can give.
i dont know which would be worse sometimes...being sick with something highly visible or being like this. i guess you have 2 wear both shoes first...
i\'ve been told this by a dr that was amazing with fibro i had some years back, but he passed. he told me:\"it wont kill you, but there will be days you wish it would.\" i find that to be true too often O_o