"Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength.” - August Wilson

Today:
So far it has been an ok day. I didn’t sleep well and woke up at one point with a full on panic attack. This was right before my husband went to work. He came rushing into the bedroom because he heard me crying and trying to catch my breath. He held me and helped talk me through it enough so that I could attempt to go back to sleep. He went back to getting ready for work. I felt so horrible for ruining his morning though he didn’t see it that way. He said it gave him a chance to hold me. I was tempted to ask him to take off work and hold me all day long, but I knew he shouldn't. Its not that he would refuse- heck he would jump at the chance, however, the kids at school need him and this I understand.

So I woke up tired, attempted to work on my paper for school, spoke with Meg online and on the phone, cleaned the house, did laundry, and was about to start dinner when Husband called and said he is going to just bring something in. So, not figuring out what to make for dinner was a big load off my mind- cus really I had no clue.

Last night I googled some counseling places in my area. I am hoping with a little more research I can find one that appears to be right for me. Monday I will make calls and ask questions etc. I am so scared but ready. It has to be done. I can’t keep doing this.

One of my really close friends who is younger then me and who is like a little brother to me, Sammie, I have to make amends with. Well, it’s not like we are arguing and fighting its more like the past month I have crawled into a hole and disappeared. Normally he and I would talk all the time and lean on each other. We love each other to pieces and have been through a lot together. I just got fed up with his fluff-ball feel good advice. I know he meant well by it but it would get so annoying and it made me feel honestly like he really didn’t care. It was like he was telling me what I wanted to hear not what was really going on so I would get better and that’s not what I needed. It was like every time I spoke to him about anything- I mean anything…from mundane to complex he acted indifferent or as stated gave me a feel good comment. So, what was weird was I subconsciously pulled away from him. Days passed into weeks and I realized, “wow I haven’t talked to Sam in a LONG time” (going a week without talking to Sammie is like going years for us lol)

Last week when I contracted what friends I have and what family I have to assist me in getting better I didn’t contact Sammie despite the fact we touched base in small one worded conversations here and there. Last night we spoke and he was acting very bratty and I figure that’s because he probably equaled me being absent in his life to me being mad at him. (he has abandonment issues) I know as soon as I tell him he will step up and help. I just don’t know how. I think I may write him a letter via snail mail. We always write each other letters via snail mail. I think I may tell him exactly what I am saying here. Be honest, be up front, let him know how much I love him and could use his help. I will also reassure him that I am not mad at him, this isn’t about him, and that I am always there for him despite me being a crazy head.

I don’t know why I make things so hard….

I hope everyone is well…

~Bright Blessings~
Rea