"Courage, it would seem, is nothing less than the power to overcome danger, misfortune, fear, injustice, while continuing to affirm inwardly that life with all its sorrows is good; that everything is meaningful even if in a sense beyond our understanding; and that there is always tomorrow. " - Dorothy Thompson I went to bed last night feeling hopeless and I woke up feeling the same. Before it could fully hit me I called Grammie in Ohio and spoke with her for about 20 minutes. She is deeply concerned about me and hearing from me helped ease her worry. I got the impression she felt guilty for my depression as if it was her fault. We all know it wasn’t but she knows depression and suicide runs in the family. She feels horrible I am suffering and knows all to well how I feel because has suffered as well. I reassured her I will be getting help and that my goal was to get better so I can go visit her. She seemed VERY happy about that. I spent the day just weeping and having panic attacks until finally I forced myself to go outside in the sunshine with the dogs for a walk. The dogs and I walked the property and checked out the veggie garden. Though the sun felt good I still didn’t. I went back inside to study which I couldn’t focus but I am behind in school so I had no choice. Then when Husband got off work we went grocery shopping. When we were on our way there I was very withdrawn and I felt like I couldn’t find my voice. As if to speak was too much energy. Once we got to Wal-Mart it was slow and actually quiet aside from the occasional crazy child screaming bloody murder. Then towards the end of our shopping Husband turned to me and said, “You know…being here is giving me a headache and making ME nervous…I can’t imagine how you are feeling.” I just laughed a true laugh and for once I felt ok. I just said, “Actually I am doing fine right now…” I was. (Which proves my point- Even "NORMAL" people get panic attacks in Wal-Mart haha)I picked up a whole punch of fruits and veggies that are proven to be great for people with depression- Couple that with my “no blues” blended herbal tea I just created as well as exercise and that should hold me over until I find a game plan as to what to do about all this. My Husband, bless him, seems to be in denial. He thinks I can just “kick it” and all will be ok. I have been trying to “kick it” most all my life and was in denial like he was. He also confessed to me that he feels it is his fault. Maybe there is something wrong with him that made me fall all out of sorts and depressed. I wanted so much to laugh because it’s such an outrageous statement but as it soaked in I understood where he was coming from. I had to explain to him this isn’t about him, it’s me. This is me and I am going to get better. He is still in denial. Hopefully he will come around soon. On Myspace I have an account for my business for the pure simple fact I hate Myspace. A friend of mine was looking up people we went to school with and I told her if she found a mutual friend of ours to let me know. She found her. I have been looking for her for YEARS. It looks as if she has straightened her life out and is very happy. I contacted her with a simple hello and gave her my well wishes. She read it but didn’t respond. I figure she is letting it all sink in because as the rumor mill had it she is going through a hard time with a miscarriage. I hope she contacts me back if anything just a hi. If she doesn’t I think a small part of me will be crushed and I will spend time mulling over why she is mad at me. Which really I don’t see why she would be…Anywho…I hope everyone is well and thank you so much for your kind words and support. It means more then you could ever know! ~Bright Blessings~Rea