The Mabon Feast went over well the only problem is half way through I had to excuse myself from the table because I was having a panic attack. Obviously no one knew because I tend to keep myself very calm, plaster a smile on my face and just fade away so I can slip out. I ended up locking myself in the bathroom. I had myself worked up so much I started vomiting. I have no clue what triggered it and it was a great disappointment for me. By the time I got myself together everyone was finished with the feast. Even though I still felt horrible I started clean up and made it through all that without anyone noticing. However, I guess I sighed deeply because my husband asked me what was wrong and I just said in passing that I wasn’t feeling well. He did this dramatic pause with a look of worry- oddly in that moment I just wanted to punch him. Why? I have no clue. Perhaps its because when I tell him I am not feeling well he has heard it so much that it really doesn’t register with him- so why now? Why in front of everyone must we be dramatic and attract attention to this hell I am in? I know he may not have meant it but still…it annoyed me greatly. ~sighs~In other news….The Farmers Market (which I didn’t go to) was a success. Husband set up the booth and sold out of EVERYTHING I made. (pics are featured in my pics section) We were even up against premanufactured jar candles whose both was right across from us. People were buying from us and not them. They were mad. Haha! My husband even managed to get some business leads that look VERY promising. The sad part is…this was everything I ever wanted. This is what I have worked 5 long years for. This could be my break. He was telling me about all the people’s reactions to my products- all the positive feedback and all the excitement. Husband was so excited he said he wanted to take me out to dinner. Oh, great Saturday Night dinner rush at a restaurant. I sucked it up because he was so excited and I went. I was a nervous wreck the whole time. I swirled my food around my plate and just grinned. I tried to stick to our conversation and blocked everyone out. Our waitress was very nice. She had this wonderful energy and a great smile so I would focus on her sometimes.  When Husband looked at me and said, “So tell me what are you most excited about in all of this?” My mind went blank. I wanted to cry so hard because honestly I wasn’t excited. I wanted to be. I wanted to jump up and down in triumph that FINALLY something is happening. I am finally getting recognition for ALL my hard work. Five long years of maybe’s and air head companies I have been working with is paying off. I just sat there utterly blank feeling absolutely nothing. I said, “I…I am just so overwhelmed I don’t know…I will tell you later.” He said to me, “Honey your dreams are coming true! You are getting closer then ever” There was so much excitement in his voice. He was more excited then I was. He was the one that had to go in my place because I couldn’t. This terrifies me. Am I that far gone? Can happy pills bring me back? Can therapy bring me back? Can the oceans of tears I cry bring me back? I am scared….~Bright Blessings~Rea