If recollecting were forgetting,
  Then I remember not;
And if forgetting, recollecting,
  How near I had forgot!
And if to miss were merry,
  And if to mourn were gay,
How very blithe the fingers
  That gathered these to-day!

-- "With Flowers" by Emily Dickinson

Today so far has been a good day. I woke up this morning feeling very cloudy and sluggish. I vowed today I will eat well, get in some exercise and be good to myself. I have been keeping that promise so far.

My husband and I own a house that sits on three acres of land. He and I push mow the property for exercise. We don’t own a riding lawn mower because we know we would probably cop out and use it all the time. So he has a push mower and I have mine. Mine died about a month and a half back right when Texas was starting to get VERY hot. Sorry, I can’t mow in the heat. Due to us having such a wet summer waking up at 6am and outside to mow by 6:15 wasn’t happening due to the grass being so wet.So, I stopped mowing and tried to find my exercise somewhere else, however, found I wasn’t getting as good of a work out as when I mowed.

Alas I woke up this morning, got a little something to eat and drink then went out to mow. I spent an hour and a half out there mowing and puttering around the veggie gardens. I had to cut back my basil and put it up to dry. I picked a whole bunch of tomatoes, green and red bell peppers, jalapeños, and some banana peppers. Once done of course I came in and took a shower for which now I am taking a moment to relax.

I still need to fill a couple of orders, study and possibly take my test, however I think I may take my test tonight. No need to add pressure onto myself.

I was thinking while I was outside mowing that I strive so hard to be perfect and a lot of that may have to do with the anxiety, depression, and panic attacks. I think that if I am not perfect no one will love me. I know this stems from the relationship I had with my mother. She was an alcoholic, abusive, a real mommy dearest if you know what I mean. I always thought if I was perfect she would leave me be when she was drunk (she didn’t, I ended up in the hospital several times due to her) and when she was sober why she would love me. Alas it didn’t happen. She and I don’t speak now. I have no regrets on that. It’s just sometimes you have to cut the poisonous and negative people out of your life. She was one of them and from what I hear from people in Ohio she still hasn’t changed. She drinks all the time, pisses and moans about stress all the time not to mention I know she suffers from severe depression and could very well be bi-polar hence the self medicating with alcohol. However, try to tell her all that (which I have because I wished to help her) and she gets violent! Wow!

Anywho enough about her….

About a week and a half ago I went to the craft store to get some supplies for a project I wanted to do. The stuff has been sitting here and every night I get excited to do something with it and every night I don’t do anything with it. Reason? This is so stupid…because if I start work on this project (which will be lots of fun) it will have to ends sometime…and when it ends there could be disappointment and disappointment hatches the self loathing of not being perfect or putting together something that meets my horrible high standards. So, I am challenging myself. Tonight, if I am not studying or taking my test…I WILL work on this project, I WILL have fun, and it will turn out the way it will turn out beautiful flaws and all! :)

I hope everyone is well.

~Bright Blessings~
Rea