“I am overcome, holy water in my lungs, I am overcome…” – Live So, I woke up feeling ok today. Not bad but not good, however, determined to make this day productive and great. All was going well until my husband asked me if I wanted to go see the new Harry Potter movie. I would love to! However, the idea of sitting for two and a half hours in a stuffy movie theatre around people I just can’t handle. This has become a very sore issue between my husband and I. Three separate times we have attempted to go. The first time I got all the way into the theatre and had a horrible panic attack not to mention the screen was making me nauseous- we ended up leaving before the movie even began. Luckily we got a refund. The second time we didn’t even get out to the car because my husband registered my deep breathing and relaxation skills as me “being in a total panic” not to mention he wanted to go to dinner first and the movie was starting in a half hour. WTF?  We ended up getting into a spat so we didn’t go. The third time we went to leave and I had such a bad panic attack that he had to drag me to the car and once sitting there I was sobbing hysterically, couldn’t breath etc. His patience wore thin (bless his heart he is a VERY patient man) and he got out of the car and walked away. So, I gathered myself and drove to get him as he walked and told him we were going. Driving and panicking is not happiness! Needless to say I got all the way up to the theatre and drove away sobbing. On top of that he just went off- he snapped. Frankly I don’t blame him. If I was in his shoes I think I would be very frustrated. Needless to say once things were calmed down we talked it out. Well, he still wants to go. I want to go. However, it would seem avoiding situations where I am put in a complete panic and anxiety is what I do best. So, alas I end up sitting on the side lines of life watching everyone have fun while I just do my own things that make me feel safe. I keep asking myself “why can’t I do this? What is there for me to fear?” Just mentioning this right now is making me cry.  I am getting a lot better. I have been eating right, exercising, losing weight, and venturing out on my own complete with doing small things that make me feel uncomfortable. The conference in October that my small business is doing I have come to terms with and find I am excited about it not to mention I am preparing by exposing myself to uncomfortable situations. So, why do I feel like something as simple as going to the movies is like throwing me into a pit of fire? Probably because it’s such a sore subject. I feel so isolated and alone not to mention I have been a wreck since I haven’t been able to get a hold of my grandma. I see people do normal things everyday and I am envious. I am taking small steps to get to where I need to be but I feel like everyone around me wants me to just leap. I know deep down if I leap it will scar me for life. I want to understand this as best as possible so I can deal with it and taking baby steps to do so is really helping me. To me if I leap that’s like ignoring everything and it may come back. That means I will have to leap my whole life to get anywhere where as baby steps turns into normal steps. *sniffles* I just don’t know how to get the people around me to understand. I know they are frustrated, confused etc. but I am too. I cannot heal 27 years of damage over night. If I could you know damn well I would- anyone would. I have come such a long way and yet I feel like I am stuck hopping around in circles. How do you break free from that? You just do it? I tried, but I end up going back. It’s a behavioral issue I need to work on. UGH! *sighs* I wish I was normal…and brave….but I am just so damn tired of always having to be strong…I am tired of hurting….I hope everyone is well…Luv,Rea ~~~~~~“Overcome”-LiveEven nowThe world is bleedingBut feeling just fineAll numb in our castleWhere were always free to chooseNever free enough to findI wish something would breakCuz were running out of timeAnd I am overcome, yeahI am overcomeHoly water in my lungsI am overcomeThese women in the streetPulling out their hairMy masters in the yardGiving light to the unawareThis plastic little placeIs just a step amongst the stairsAnd I am overcome, yeahI am overcome, babyHoly water in my lungs, yeahI am overcomeSo drive me out, yeahOut to that open fieldTurn the ignition offAnd spin aroundYour help is hereBut I’m parked in the open spaceBut locking the gates of loveI am overcomeI am overcome, babyHoly water in my lungs, yeahI am overcome, yeahI am overcome, oh lordI am overcome, babyHoly water in my lungsHoly water, holy waterI am overcomeBeautiful drowningThis beautiful drowningThis holy waterThis holy water, is in my lungsAnd I am overcomeI am overcome, yeahHeh, i, heh, i, heh, I am overcomeI am overcome lord