“You were wild…where are you now?” – Tori Amos   *sighs* I should be studying right now; however, I cannot seem to keep myself focused. I just read right through the pages as my mind drift else where. Alas this is an attempt at getting those thoughts out so I can focus on other things.   I am 27 years old and I feel like my life is passing me by. I feel as if I am stumbling through my adulthood blind folded and the further I go the more I keep falling. I continue getting up and press on until I feel as if I am just standing still or going in circles.   This is a huge turning point in my life. I am confronting all the anger, pain and hurt I have buried deep inside instead of masking it with cutting, drinking, drugs etc. (please note I haven’t cut in a VERY long time nor do I drink or do drugs. I am clean and healthy. YAY!) I am excited to see the person I will become but terrified of the long road a head to get to her. Somedays I hurt so badly and because I do not allow myself to go numb I just feel so overwhelmed by all of it. I feel because of that it’s just another day lost to explore the world around me. Other days I want to grasp them and never let go.   Today I was offered to be a guest speaker at a High School. The Family Science teachers want me to come in to teach their kids about herbs and regular things you can find in your kitchen that can be applied to everyday health, first aid etc.- Basic herbalist stuff. My heart jumped at the excitement of having the privilege to do so but I heard the excuses coming out of my mouth, “I will have to check my schedule and get back to you…” Which means, “I am sorry due to my overwhelming fear, anxiety and shyness I am letting another opportunity slip by…” I decided to see how the conference my small business is doing in Oct goes- how I do- before I make anymore commitments.   Right now I am missing my Grammie so much. I wish I didn’t live so far away. Saturday is our big day of talking on the phone for hours. I look forward to that as does she. She is 89 years old and ornery as all get out. She is a feisty yet gentle and kind Dutch Irish woman. She keeps my picture near her all the time. She tells me that looking at me she sees her mother which according to her I take after a lot. To me that’s a huge honor.   The enormous amount of supplies I ordered for my business came in today. All sorts of new stuff I plan on selling at the conference in Oct. Again I am so very excited about it but overwhelmingly nervous that it is ripping me a part. I will say, however, today was a day of ease. I didn’t feel nervous so possibly something is breaking for me. In fact I kept myself busy, focused on the fact it’s almost autumn and dealt with things that were happening to me in the present not the future. Which helped!   *takes a deep breath* I think I am going to watch a little Shin Chan and try to go back to studying.   I hope you all are well. Please be gentle to yourselves…  ~Bright Blessings~Rea