SSDD

I am so amazed at how fast I can launch my mood then crash just as fast. What the hell am I doing? I feel like...like a child having a temper tantrum. I feel so conflicted inside. My whole life I've had to fight my way through shit. Yes I survived it all. I'm just so damn tired of fighting. My thoughts are against each other...I analyze everything and twist and turn it, spin webs with it. The thing is with all that twisting, turning and webspinning none of it never really happens only outside my mind. When I fought with dad for 10 days I spun all kinds of shit and not one ounce of it ever came to fruition. I spent three days after the last fight unwinding and spinning. It is totally exhausting! If I could spend that much energy on working out I'd have 6-packs abs and run marathons. Why whine about it? Does it do any good to piss and moan about things? Nothing ever gets accomplished when I do. Does God hear our prayers and answer them? I pray but just like always I wonder who hears. Why is God so hard for me to truly 100% believe in? Why can't I have the faith that I see so many have? Am I that hard-hearted of a man? Is it too impossible for me to believe that God hears me when I talk to Him? I keep asking these same questions and people can give their answers and to them they work..but for me?