Cut again last night. Staff know at the hospital but family don't.Don't really know what to say. Just thought I'd post to say I'm still around. There is so much stuff going on for me at the moment and I don't know who to tell, what to say or whether to say anything at all. Sod it...I'm going to type it all out. Sorry, it might not make much sense but hopefully it might make me feel like I've open up a bit. Even if it is to a computer.Mum has been preoccupied with her new man for weeks now and I don't go to her to talk anymore. She still gets depressed so I don't want to trouble her with all my crap. She's preoccupied with this guy because he's got problems too. Found out yesterday that he is a drug addict! I DEFINATELY won't be bothering her at the moment now.We made plans last week that after family therapy on Thursday, we would come back together and go christmas shopping. Well, that's out the window because my Mum now has to cover for this guy at work so he can go to his treatment center and get is Methadone prescription sorted. That includes our Family Therapy. It's the 4th one she's cancelled. What the fuck am I supposed to say to my therapist (same as individual). He's was already getting suspicious after the last time and now I've got to say she can't make it again suddenly.Therapy itself isn't moving anywhere...because of me. I wanted to talk to him in Monday's session but I was too scared to. He knew I wanted to but he just doesn't know what it is I wanted to say. I wanted to tell him just how long I'd been having suicidal ideation. I think he should know because it might explain why I can't mentally THINK about any of the reasons. I've been so focused on it for so long, I can't connect with what made me feel like that in the first place. Does that make sense? Suicidal feelings and self harm urges are the same and so are my energy levels. Although it's turning into agitation and feeling REALLY on edge now instead. I only had 3 hours sleep last night. I don't feel tired but I'm physically exhausted? So...I need to talk to my therapist tomorrow. Trouble is, I'm at breaking point and if I start to talk to him everything is just going to spill out and I haven't got a session till next week. He wont have time to talk to me properly. I don't know WHAT to do. I don't WANT to keep things in any longer.
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