Thursday, February 28, 2008
Today I had my appointment with my pdoc. We've reached a point in my illness where we're a bit stuck. I've had CBT and it didn't work for me (although the therapist I was seeing had told me in my last appointment that she didn't know what else to do for me) I'm not paying £150 a week to discuss what I did that week. Medication wise, because my mood is not good but managable, we're reluctant to start changing any medication at the moment for fear it will make everything worse.If my pdoc had his way, he would have liked to double my Mirtazapine (Remeron) to 30mg because I went down to 15mg. But I have point blank said no. I am having serious problems with my weight/food/calories and I don't need to blow up again because of an increase in dose when that in itself will counteracy the good because I'll be so upset with the weight gain.He said he could see I've lost weight since the last time I saw him 2 weeks ago. I can't see it. Mum is saying she can see it...why can't I? My arms are flabby, my thighs are huge, my stomach bulges and everytime I see I've lost weight on the scale and I look in the mirror, I look bigger than I did before! I hate it, I just want it gone. I want to be able to see I've lost weight, then I'll know I've done good.So that's basically it at the moment. Every minute of everyday at the moment I am preoccupied with food/weight/calories/numbers etc. I want to lose weight and I am so at the moment I'm happier. The problems come when I step on the scale and see I'm either the same or even worse, it's increased!Goal UpdateI've worked out how much I've eaten today and added a mug of tea for tonight so I'm doing today's entry now. I'm quite pleased because I've lost another 1/4 lb. I've weighed myself throughout the day and watched the numbers go down but that's for tomorrows entry ;)I skipped breakfast and lunch, had 2 mugs of tea (and then one tonight), 2 glasses of diet pepsi and for dinner I had one small chicken drumstick and a slice of my weightwatchers bread with a thin spread of flora light.It's my second day of no binging so I'm really pleased and the weight loss is going well.Still doing all my exercises at night too.
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