Friday 11th Jan 0810:35pm - Mood: Determined, Angry, Upset, Confused, Over-fucking-whelmedI would say down but I'm 'coping' well at the moment so as far as anyone else knows...I'm fine. I said I was going to try and be more honest but when I'm like this, 'coping' I don't want to say anything is wrong. I just want to carry on pretending it's all fine despite what my heart wants to do.I'm really annoyed with myself because it's the 11th already and so far I haven't even completed a whole day of my schedule yet. I've set my alarm for 8:30am tomorrow and I'm going to go on my treadmill.I haven't written anything in my diaries for today either, only now which I'm pissed off about. I need to get my act together. How the hell am I supposed to change my life, weight and fitness if I don't stick to it! I'm so angry.I ate loads today so now I feel like shit. Well it wasn't loads, it was more WHAT I ate. I had my breakfast then for lunch I had a buttered crusty roll...then I couldn't decide what I wanted for dinner so I had another 2 buttered rolls. When I added the calories it was nearly 1200 already! And that was without adding the 2 teas I had earlier.I just feel like shit right now.I can't write in my 'feelings' book either at the moment because Mum is here. If I get it out then Mum will no I'm not good and ask me what's wrong. I just can't deal with it at the moment. I don't want her to know everything I'm feeling, every thought I have and how I really feel about myself. I don't want reassurance that everything will be OK, I don't want to be told I'm pretty, I don't want anyone to know what I'm really like...what I'm like inside. Right no the only thing that is even close to knowing is this diary. Everyone says I shouldn't get bogged down with feelings! In fact...no, they're not feelings because it's all true! I'm so fucking sck of everything in my life. I know that when I'm completely on my own, I'm not going to have anything stopping me from cutting, starving and basically breaking down. I KNOW it's going to happen. It plays in my head 24hrs a damn day! So when someone says "we can get you better" I just feel like screaming at them "You don't even know me! It wont change because it IS me!"....I'm off to play on my DS now...how the fuck do I do this day in day out, and still keep it together?
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