Well it's been a long time since I made an update...don't even know if anyone still checks to see if I'm alive. All I can say is sorry I haven't been updating. I was doing very well and I guess I was just making the most of the good times.I feel bad for going away and coming back when things are going wrong but once again they are. I'm not doing very well at all at the moment. It's not been plain sailing all the way through, but I had about 6 weeks of steady good moods with only blips....well I'd say about 1 a week I suppose, which for me is great. But the last 3 weeks have been really bad again. I'm getting self harm and suicidal thoughts again and I can feel myself losing hope again. It's so hard to stay optimistic that I will eventually be good for a long time when this keeps happening over and over. I have to keep reminding myself though, that although it seems longer...it has only been 1 year since I sought help and although it's been almost unbarable at times...1 year isn't a long time to try and get stabilized. It's just so hard. My head just wont shut up with the thoughts and telling me it's always going to be like this, I'll never get better, some people are just screwed up and I'm one of them. It's so hard not to listen.My meds have been changed again. I used to be on Depakote but I came off of that and I'm now on Lamotrigine (Lamictal) which was upped to 100mg a day now which I'm told is still a pretty low dose. I'm also on Fluoxetine (Prozac) 20mg and Mirtazapine (Zispin) 15mg. I'm also seeing a Cognitive Behavioural Therapist but I've only had a couple of sessions so far so I haven't got much out of it yet.Oh, there is one good thing. I returned back to work last week (veterinary nursing). It's only for two mornings at the moment 8:30 - 12:00 but at least it's something for me to work towards now and make me feel just a little be more useful and normal. I'm only on basic cleaning duties really to start off which is really good as it means I can just work at my own pace and I wont be assigned jobs. I can just help out were I can. I enjoyed last Thursday which was a good sign. I'm in tomorrow and Friday this week then I'm not iin till the 3rd Jan.I hope everyone else is doing OK and again I'm sorry I haven't been updating. I am going to try to keep this journal though as it's meant to be part of my therapy, writing journal entries that is. x-Bliss-x
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