Where to start...I didn't come online at all yesterday so I didn't get to write a journal entry. I think if I had, I'd still be typing now. I had an awful day, relapsed really badly and I'm really upset with myself. Everyone has tried to reassure me that everything will be OK and it was just another blip, just a bit of a bigger one. But ears arn't open to their support anymore. I'm not pushing people away...I'm just not believing their words, even when I try to. How can I keep believing I will get better when everytime I DO have hope, it all comes back and knocks me for six. I'm just so tired of fighting it. The day before yesterday I had had a rough day but was trying to keep myself busy. By the time I went to bed the suicidal thoughts and self harm urges were really strong but I had taken my medication and it soon started to work. I eventually fell asleep into a horrible dream involving me cutting. When I woke up yesterday morning I was really upset. I was so depressed and just wanted the thoughts to stop, even if it only lasted for a little while (which it usually does) just to give some relief. I'd found a sharpener in one of my art sets that I had got out the night before and I ended up cutting. I don't really remember too much about what was going through my head at the time...it's kind of hazey. I think I have some sort of dissociation when I cut. I ended up doing it worse than I ever have but I was lucky enough to not need stitches. As soon as I'd done it there was relief but guilt soon took over that. I then punched the wall next to me with anger because I had done it. My Mum was at home and she helped calm me down but I was still pretty much a wreck. She phoned my pdoc for me and told him what had happened and he asked to see me today just for a quick appointment to see if I was OK and to try and reassure me about things.Woke up this morning after another night of thoughts and I feel so down and hopeless. Been sick today as well due to all this nervous tention. I still feel pretty bad now.I went to my appointment and he's decided to try changing the mood stabilizer over as soon as possible as Lamictal has more anti-depressant properties in it than Depakote. So from now till Monday I've got to cut down the dosage of Depakote every other day so I'm really to start on Lamictal on Tuesday next week. At least with there being some change I feel like SOMETHING is being done and I'm not just sitting twiddling my thumbs. I just hope changing this is enough to allow the Prozac and Mirtazapine to kick in properly.
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Stay strong :) *(*(HUGZ)*)*
I\'m so sorry that you are having such a hard time. I hope the new med\'s will work, it should give you something to look to as a positive. I know it feels like a huge step backward when you end up cutting, but it\'s a great step that you sought your mom\'s help afterward. Hang in there.
-michelle