Today I've been feeling pretty awful for most of the day. I had my appointment with my pdoc but he decided that he wants to wait another week before changing my mood stabilizer, just incase the Mirtazapine starts to work in that time.I don't really know how I feel about it. There's not much else he or I can do but it doesn't make it any easier to cope with. At the moment I'm back to feeling really confused again. About an hour ago I went downstairs to tell my Mum that I didn't need to take my meds early as my mood had lifted a little. But now I feel terrible again. I just keep going round in circles. I'm really struggling with the SI thoughts and I'm feeling pretty suicidal. I've been trying to keep my mind off it all by doing a colour by numbers but I can't concentrate on that anymore either. I just don't feel safe with all these thoughts swirling round my head. I keep seeing myself cutting, burning, hanging, jumping in front of cars...it's horrible and there's nothing that will make it go away.I think I'm just going to have to sedate myself again with my meds. I can't even put into words how much this is hurting me inside....and I've got yet another week to go.I just hope that somehow, during this week the meds suddenly start working because I'm really struggling to keep hope at the moment when everytime I seem to take a step forward, I take another several backwards.x-Bliss-x
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I have to keep on a med schedule in order for my med\'s to be fully effective for me. If I go off the schedule for even 24 hours I can tell a difference. Maybe try taking your med\'s at the same time everyday.
I have SI & Suicidal thoughts, too. Right now I am quite stable, but when I am not I struggl to get through each day. Hang in there for 1 week, I know it will seem like the longest week of your life, but you have something to look forward to. Med changes are hard b/c some can\'t be mixed and some have to be weaned out of your system. Hang in there.
-michelle
I am praying for you my dear. Please try to keep the hope and I am here if ever you need to chat. Never fear to say Hey I\'m feelin suicidal. I will try my very best to be there for you.