i now know it is valentins day, that is why im depressed. every v-day since paul and me have been married has been a disaster.  today my hear is garded agains him hurting me. is that any way to live?  saw a post today on emotionaly abusive.  some one posted someone just as paule. it is true iv never cried so much in my life as my relationship with paul. usely im happy in a relationship or i leave. the difference is i married paul. i can never critize him before now i dont care if i leave or stay , know ill cry and be sad. today know if he hurts me now i will leave him if i have too.  i worked hard to be free of pain in a relationship now....today their is no pain just the memory of abuse........... today afraid i will not feel my feelings like before and become very ill and cold.  i will not let that happen i will keep in touch with my self at all costs.  even as i write i know anger is not permitted in pauls house and i do not get angry anymore.  only paul can get angry no one else i guess keith gets angry its only me who is not allowed to be angry. know this should meke me angry only it doesn.  i worked hard to feel anger now im denied to be angrybecause paul didnt like it, but his anger is ok.  my anger is turning inward again,i pissed and dont know what to do about it.  i worked day and noght to be healthy only to marry a person who is distructive and is trying to fix me the bastard. their was nothing wrong with me , im good the way i am and to hell with anyone who trys to fix me.