Ouch
23Aug12 11:10pm
Don’t stay where you are tolerated. Go where you are celebrated!
Just found this saying and LOVe it! So appropriate since I've gone thro some rough times with rejection from family and supposed friends recently.
One 'friend' told me that I should never share my dark thoughts with anyone except maybe a therapist. (like maybe she thinks suicide is better???) And that I vacuumed the life out of her with my depressing emails (I sent her 2 updates). Made her heart heavy and made her unable to function for the day. And that if I continued to "wallow in being a victim" that she wouldn't be able to be a friend. I pasted some of the most painful of her actual words below. I thought if anyone read this and thinks maybe I'm misinterpreting her meaning. But she was pretty blunt.
... but I can't be in a relationship that only drains me. When I read emails like this I feel emptied. My chest feels heavy and I struggle to do the things I have to do to get through my day.
You have to take control of your mind and your perspective on life.
If you continue to wallow and let yourself stay in this mental place of being a victim...
I need to know that you are trying and then I will feel like when there are those days (because there will be) that I get a heavy chest and feel no return that you are not vacuuming me so to speak.
This email was shocking to me as I didn't even really open up that much. Mostly just facts and a little about how scared I was about my sister's upcoming surgeries (she has cancer). There was no acknowledgement on her part of the horrors that have happened lately. None. Just judgment.
I was, in fact, actually the one who reached out to her after her miscarriage and offered her a safe place to vent, complain, scream, cry, whatever. even tho we weren't that close (she is my sister in law ish), I wanted to give her that solace if needed. I thought from her reply that she offered the same back. Instead, I got a belly full of poison.
She also went on about how I needed to see a therapist, do group therapy, read books, keep a journal, etc. Which are all good suggestions but I've been doing them for the past 25 years now! It was my therapist who encouraged me to share and reach out; made it an assignment to try to open up to people. She said I'm too much alone and push away people without giving them a chance to decide. Which I do admit to doing for sure. But after reading this hurtful email, I know there is a good reason why it's so hard for me to open up. Burnt fingers are the last thing you need when you're already in the pit!
She said a lot of other judgmental things that I won't go into. Basically, she just ripped me to shreds. And put herself in the position of preacher. I mean she's had a pretty easy life overall (her words). Never been sick. Never been dumped by boyfriend or friend or family (I've been dumped by all three). Has a beautiful little girl. Big house. Great stay-at-home job. All the things you need for a good life and very few bumps and NO dark pits at all (again, her words).
To have someone like that look down on me and read me the riot act pisses me off and kills my hope. I'm so hurt and angry that I took a chance with her. But if you don't try, you'll never know. You'll never make new friends and be comforted. Or offer comfort to others in need. Was I wrong to take this chance? I'm trying to convince myself I wasn't but I feel such shame now.
As always, I'm very grateful this safe place doesn't rip my guts out and leave me bleeding. I'm grateful for all you who can relate and take the time to write a note. Thank you! I can't regret reaching out to you all. I WON'T!
Don’t stay where you are tolerated. Go where you are celebrated!
Just found this saying and LOVe it! So appropriate since I've gone thro some rough times with rejection from family and supposed friends recently.
One 'friend' told me that I should never share my dark thoughts with anyone except maybe a therapist. (like maybe she thinks suicide is better???) And that I vacuumed the life out of her with my depressing emails (I sent her 2 updates). Made her heart heavy and made her unable to function for the day. And that if I continued to "wallow in being a victim" that she wouldn't be able to be a friend. I pasted some of the most painful of her actual words below. I thought if anyone read this and thinks maybe I'm misinterpreting her meaning. But she was pretty blunt.
... but I can't be in a relationship that only drains me. When I read emails like this I feel emptied. My chest feels heavy and I struggle to do the things I have to do to get through my day.
You have to take control of your mind and your perspective on life.
If you continue to wallow and let yourself stay in this mental place of being a victim...
I need to know that you are trying and then I will feel like when there are those days (because there will be) that I get a heavy chest and feel no return that you are not vacuuming me so to speak.
This email was shocking to me as I didn't even really open up that much. Mostly just facts and a little about how scared I was about my sister's upcoming surgeries (she has cancer). There was no acknowledgement on her part of the horrors that have happened lately. None. Just judgment.
I was, in fact, actually the one who reached out to her after her miscarriage and offered her a safe place to vent, complain, scream, cry, whatever. even tho we weren't that close (she is my sister in law ish), I wanted to give her that solace if needed. I thought from her reply that she offered the same back. Instead, I got a belly full of poison.
She also went on about how I needed to see a therapist, do group therapy, read books, keep a journal, etc. Which are all good suggestions but I've been doing them for the past 25 years now! It was my therapist who encouraged me to share and reach out; made it an assignment to try to open up to people. She said I'm too much alone and push away people without giving them a chance to decide. Which I do admit to doing for sure. But after reading this hurtful email, I know there is a good reason why it's so hard for me to open up. Burnt fingers are the last thing you need when you're already in the pit!
She said a lot of other judgmental things that I won't go into. Basically, she just ripped me to shreds. And put herself in the position of preacher. I mean she's had a pretty easy life overall (her words). Never been sick. Never been dumped by boyfriend or friend or family (I've been dumped by all three). Has a beautiful little girl. Big house. Great stay-at-home job. All the things you need for a good life and very few bumps and NO dark pits at all (again, her words).
To have someone like that look down on me and read me the riot act pisses me off and kills my hope. I'm so hurt and angry that I took a chance with her. But if you don't try, you'll never know. You'll never make new friends and be comforted. Or offer comfort to others in need. Was I wrong to take this chance? I'm trying to convince myself I wasn't but I feel such shame now.
As always, I'm very grateful this safe place doesn't rip my guts out and leave me bleeding. I'm grateful for all you who can relate and take the time to write a note. Thank you! I can't regret reaching out to you all. I WON'T!
Replies
Hi Nibbor, I wouldn\'t worry too much about her. Sounds like she has a perfect little world; And doesn\'t want to be bothered by somebody\'s real world problems! I try not to go where I\'m not welcomed. Unless you can\'t avoid her. Then I would never let her know she bothered me. Maybe that\'s just me. \" People are strange\", To quote the Doors. I truly believe no one is better then yourself. They may have a title, money, or whatever. But they are not any better. And for her to say those hurtful things are unacceptable. Maybe I read too much in to it. I\'m not sure. I just don\'t like fake people. Stay Strong Nibs, How\'s your sister doing? You and her are in my prayers. Brian
Hey,
Thanx. Yeah, you got it right, she\'s really spoiled, protected and fake. She only likes certain people and my husband (her husband\'s brother) and I don\'t fit into her little click, despite over 10 years of trying. Matt says she\'s fancy and fussy. And she is. I only regret I let her in enough to hurt me.
Ta so much for your feedback! It helps a lot during these dark times.
Flying down to FL to see my sister this Mon. She has her surgery Aug 31 (Fri), which has been upgraded from possible laparscopy to full hysterectomy and cyst removal and a few other things. That puts her recovery time from 3-6 days way up to 3-6 WEEKS! Yikes. I\'ll stay for a few weeks until she\'s more stable, then I need to come home. My pancreas has been acting up since I did my flying stunt (aka fall) and I need rest for sure. Then she still has several more unrelated surgeries coming up for her brain tumor, and chemo. So I\'ll fly back down for those.
I\'m very grateful that I\"m sick right now, as strange as that seems! If I were well enough (or even close) to work, I wouldn\'t be able to be there for her. The world works in mysterious ways for sure.
I\'m going to miss my little baby, Wyn! She just turned 9 years old (she\'s a black lab/german shepard mix = see my pics!). I love that dog beyond reason and she is a constant comfort to me!!
Hope you are well and thank again for reading this long email and taking the time to reply. You\'re a gem! Nibs ;)
Nibs, Sorry to hear that your sister has been upgraded. But maybe for the best. Not sure if I told you(without going back reading) My wife had Ovarian Cancer 20 years ago had a full hysterectomy(plus). So maybe in a strange way that will be good?
One more note on Mrs.\"Clever\"! = (perfect world) I\'ll bet she not a Dog Person....... Brian Stay strong & true to yourself my friend. :-) I\'m Well Thanks....
Nibs, For Dogs lovers......Brian
http://thinkexist.com/quotes/with/keyword/dog/
WOW it must be nice to be so perfect...I wouldn\'t worry about her. People like her don\'t think of anyone but themselves. The fact that she would write something like that says it all.
You were a good person to try to comfort her. Her loss, not yours..
Cheryl
Thanx so much. I\'m growing a scab over that particular wound and trying to just put it aside. And I\'m soo surprised that I never heard back from her! Ha - NOT. Don\'t need that in my life. No ones does, aye?
I know I\'m a clumsy, awkward person in many ways. I just feel too much sometimes. I can\'t seem to shut out the world. My therapist says I\'m hyper aware of my environment - a side effect of surviving a lot of abuse. Do you all ever feel like that?
Hope you both are well! Keeping my fingers crossed... Love yas, Nibs