My Journey
I feel so horribly guilty that my Big Guy died. I feel responsible. I am a nurse and I should have seen the warning signs, I should have questioned him more in depth,I should have questioned the Dr. about the medications, I should have KNOWN something was wrong when he walked out the door. I blame myself for him dying. I feel like all of the pain I am going through is MY fault, that I failed him when he needed me most. I miss him so bad, I feel so alone, My home is now just a house, an empty shell of what it once was. I still cry everyday. My whole life is literally a pile of ashes in a metal container sitting on his dresser. I don't know what to do with myself, I don't know how to be alone. I don't know how to stop this hurting inside of me. I don't know how to even begin to try living again. I never realized what was missing from my life until he came into it. How can I ever hope to have that sense of contentment and security again? Sometimes, when I can't sleep I sit in the back yard and beg for some sign from him that he will be there when my time comes. I need something, anything to know that there is more beyond what we see.
Replies
I miss him so bad. My whole life has been turned upside down. I feel like I was yanked out of the world as I knew and placed on another planet. Where do I even start to try to put things back together? I am so mad and lost and confused. I keep going over that day in the hospital when they let me see him. He was still warm and then I remember how cold he was at the viewing. My hands and face were ice cold and I was shivering by the time we left. I couldn\'t stop touching him because I knew it was the last time I would ever be able to rub my cheek on his beard, trace his eyebrows with my fingers or brush my lips against his. I just want him back, I don\'t want to start over. My beautiful sweet man is gone forever and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. There has to be some way to make this pain stop. It can not be possible to hurt this bad all of the time and not have your heart break to the point it stops beating.
HELLO,SO SORRY ABOUT YOUR LOSS, THANK YOU FOR SHARING, YOU LOVED EACH OTHER SO MUCH, YOU ARE BLESSED TO HAVE KNOWN SUCH LOVE, OF COURSE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE GRIEVING, BUT FEELING GUILTY IS NOT HELPING YOU, YOU DID ALL YOU COULD, NOBODY KNOWSE HWEN THE CALL COMES, I REALLY FEEL SAD FOR YOU, RAY MUST HAVE BEEN A WONDERFUL MAN AND LOVER, KEEP AND CHERISH THE WONDERFUL MEMORIES YOU HAVE.. BEING ALONE IS NOT HELPING YOU, DO YOU HAVE ANY FRIENDS THAT COULD VISIT AND SUPPORT YOU, HERE THERE IS A GROUP THAT YOU WILL FIND HELPFUL, AND YOU WILL SEE YOU ARE NOT ALONE IN THIS, THERE ARE OTHERS..IF I CAN HELP ,LET ME KNOW, I AM HERE MOST DAYS, AFTER YOU ACCEPT THE FRIEND REQUEST I CAN SEND YOU THE LINK..I WISH I COULD HUG YOU AND TELL YOU IT WILL BE ALRIGHT, BUT IT TAKES TIME, LOVE LUCY..
I am doing a little better. I made it 3 days without crying but lost in Monday night. I ended up crying myself to sleep holding his urn. I am having a hard time believing that this is really happening, He was only 53. I find myself staring at people who are in their 60\'s and 70\'s who drink and do drug, are 50+ lbs overweight and I think why are they still kicking? For that matter is POS ex wife who took every opportunity make him miserable. She drinks beer, smokes pot and marijuana, does speed every day, smoke 2 packs of cigs a day and lives on soda, ding dongs and fast food. Why is she still alive? I am doing my best not to isolate myself and get out and do stuff. I know he is gone forever and I have to start over. But it is so hard knowing that I had EVERY thing I ever wanted and now it is all gone. I am starting my life over from scratch for the 3rd time and I am only 43. It must run through my mind a 100 times a day \"Please, I just want him back\". Every body keeps telling me I will find someone else, I don\'t want someone else, I want him! I feel like a spoiled child throwing a tantrum even though I know I will not get my own way. I still make the mistake of trying to call him to tell him something.