FAT

I am so fucking fat.  I don't know how I could possibly have let this happen to me.  Since November I have gained so much weight.  My butt and hips like exploded.  I don't fit in my clothes very well anymore.  I think a lot of it had to do with starting birth control and eating too much during the holidays.  How did I let this happen?  I hate myself for getting so fat.  I have such a hard time motivating myself to exercise.  I am scared I will start having anorexic behaviors again.  I hate seeing all of the skinny girls at the gym.  All I can think about is how fat I am.  I started trying to count calories and it started spiraling out of control.  I have no idea how to lose weight in a healthy manner.  Why can't it just go away?????????