I have been thinking about this cutting thing a lot today.  I have talked to my friends and listened to all of you who are supporting me.  I didn't realize how in denial I was.  Cutting didn't matter because "it wasn't life threatening unless I cut an artery."  I guess I was wrong.  And even if it won't kill me it is still a bad way to cope.  Whenever I am well for awhile I always try to deny when things get bad.  It is only once things get out of hand that I am ready to say to myself I need help.  I don't like having to be vigilant about whether I am safe or sane.  I just want to be able to live my life and be okay.  I don't know if I will ever get there though. I am able to talk about my problems and disordered thinking in a completely detached way.  I have just always thought like this, I have always put ridiculously high standards on myself.  I always thought it was normal.  I know it isn't but thats just who I am right?  I don't know.  It never bothers me that I need to punish myself or that I measure up to others' standards for me but not my own.  It is all I have ever known.  This is really the source of a lot of my problems.  Maybe it is a problem how detached it all is.  I can sit here calmly and describe how my mind works.  I can hear how fucked up it sounds but it doesn't feel fucked up.