I have been thinking about this cutting thing a lot today. I have talked to my friends and listened to all of you who are supporting me. I didn't realize how in denial I was. Cutting didn't matter because "it wasn't life threatening unless I cut an artery." I guess I was wrong. And even if it won't kill me it is still a bad way to cope. Whenever I am well for awhile I always try to deny when things get bad. It is only once things get out of hand that I am ready to say to myself I need help. I don't like having to be vigilant about whether I am safe or sane. I just want to be able to live my life and be okay. I don't know if I will ever get there though. I am able to talk about my problems and disordered thinking in a completely detached way. I have just always thought like this, I have always put ridiculously high standards on myself. I always thought it was normal. I know it isn't but thats just who I am right? I don't know. It never bothers me that I need to punish myself or that I measure up to others' standards for me but not my own. It is all I have ever known. This is really the source of a lot of my problems. Maybe it is a problem how detached it all is. I can sit here calmly and describe how my mind works. I can hear how fucked up it sounds but it doesn't feel fucked up.
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There are better ways to handle your internal pain and anxiety. Sharing your burden with someone has a way of halving the burden...because someone else cares enough about you to help. This is a wonderful way to experience love and part of that love is to surrender your care to someone else.
It dose not feel fucked up as you have made your self believe that it is ok and right to do what your doing ( i know some what your saying as i am the same)
You will come through this and saying or writing it out will help. reading it back to your self after writing it will help to as you get to see were your thoughts are at the time of \" the issue arising \"
I am hear of you need me :)
(( HUGS))